Page 17 of Say Yes to the Hot Mess

“No, Mother. I’m not gay,” I say with a sigh.

“Well, fine,” my mother says, sniffing. “In that case, I’ll have a date lined up for you. She’ll be waiting for you at the rehearsal dinner. You can meet her there.”

“What?” I say, sitting up straight, my eyes widening. “No.”

“Bring a date or don’t, Dexter,” she says. At this point she just sounds bored with our conversation; it’s how I know her mind is already completely made up. “Either way, there will be a backup date waiting for you in case you come alone.”

I grit my teeth, one hand clenching on the phone. “I’ll bring someone,” I say.

“Wonderful,” my mother says, sounding pleased. “If something happens to your date, I’ll still have someone there for you to get to know. I’ll start looking around for some young ladies here you might like.”

“I said I’ll bring someone,” I say through my still-clenched teeth.

“To the wedding, yes. But you need agirlfriend, Dexter. I’ll be looking for women who are wife material.”

Good grief.

“Have a good night, Dexter,” my mother says. “And don’t forget to take your vitamins, please. I read recently that people who are vitamin D deficient can struggle with hair loss. Don’t lose all your beautiful hair. Women want a man with lustrous locks.”

I sigh. “I’ll take my vitamins, Mother.”

“See that you do. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

And with that, she hangs up.

I all but collapse back into the wing back chair, feeling suddenly drained and not at all in the mood for a jigsaw puzzle. I just pinch the bridge of my nose yet again before removing my glasses and rubbing one hand over my face.

I sit there for probably ten minutes, holding off the impulse to message Hanan about the latest stunt Nancy Anthony is pulling in order to finagle her way into grandmother status. It’s easier to laugh with Hanan over unasked-for dating advice than it is to laugh over the need to find myself an actual human date.

As so often seems to happen, though, Hanan reads my mind on some level that I have yet to understand. I have no idea how she does it, but somehow she always reaches out to me when I’m thinking of her. Although…maybe that’s just an indication that I think about her too much? Who knows. Either way, I pull up the app and read her message, noting the flashing red battery symbol in the corner of my phone screen as I do; it’s almost dead.

Hanan:You asleep?

Me:No. I’m dreaming of ways to foil Nancy’s latest scheme.

Hanan:How is Nancy?

Me:Same old, same old. Upset I’m single, now questioning my sexuality.

Hanan:Ooh, that’s a twist we didn’t see coming.

Hanan:She’s still hounding you to find a lady friend?

Me:Always. But I’m not interested in casual dating, and despite what I’ve told her, I don’t actually know THAT many women.

Me:Anyway, what are you up to?

Hanan:Trying to relax after a frustrating day.

Me:Dealing with more jerks today?

Hanan:Same jerk, actually, but yes. We’re adding hypocrisy to his list of flaws.

I smile at this.

Me:I wasn’t aware you kept lists of people’s flaws. What’s on mine?

Hanan:According to Nancy, it’s that you’re still single.

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