Page 50 of Arseni

ButIcare.I’ve cared every day sinceHetold me he loved me.I knew then what a horrible mistake I’d made, even before knowing he was a minor.He was a boy who looked at me like I was beautiful, and I was eager to let him.He reminded me of… He reminded me of my foster kid, and I was sick enough to use him as a replacement for my fantasy.

I made the greatest mistake of my life.And it all started with becoming a foster parent.

“You were thirty when I met you,” Arseni says, obviously putting the pieces together.

I bite my lip.

“Was I before or after this guy?”

“Before… You left just before it started.”

He huffs out an angry ball of air like he’s breathing fire.I’m not watching him, but I know he’s tense.His tension puts me in a headlock.

“You wereadamantabout kicking me out because of my ‘inappropriate sexual advances.’The social worker wouldn’t place me with another woman because of you.”

“That’s the reason you had to go,” I say, my voice small.“I didn’t lie.”

He laughs dryly.“Was I seriously not attractive enough for you?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I…” I raise my head and let out a shaky breath, wiping my palms on my thighs.“You weretooattractive.”

My mouth is dry, but I still swallow as I get the urge, not looking at Arseni.“I was having dreams about you.I was… I was afraid of what would happen if you stayed.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

He pauses like he’s waiting for me to explain, but I don’t.I don’t have words to.

“If you wanted to fuck me, you should’ve fucked me.I wasn’t psychotic.I wasn’t going to rat on you or stash child porn in your house as revenge for not loving me.”

Finally, I turn to him with my jaw dropped.“You’vekidnappedme.”

His brow furrowing, he waves that away.“It’s different.I had a job to do, and you were conveniently?—”

My bitter laugh cuts him off, and he stares at me as his lips thin.“Theonlydifference between the two of you is your denial about who you are and why you’re doing this.Seven years ago, I didn’t want either of you.And you’re both punishing me for it.”

He opens his mouth, his face red, but freezes without releasing words.His body slouches with a sigh as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Fine.We’re the same… But why notme?”

When his eyes flicker with pain, I have to look away.I know exactly what he’s asking, and it isn’t why I chose to fuck the other guy instead of him.

Why didn’t you want me?

But really…What’s wrong with me?

I know he’s asking this because I’ve wondered that same thing about myself a thousand times.It never goes away.No matter how many years pass, no matter how many flattering looks you receive, you never forget that the woman who bothered to carry you to term looked at you and walked away.In my case, my mother walked to Heaven.In Arseni’s… who the fuck knows.But he asks himself why every day of his life, to each person he comes across.

I know because I feel it too.I know because I spoke to his counselor when he was seventeen.

He’s the same as the boy who’s heart I not only broke but warped into a black hole.He’s also the same as me.

“Because I loved you,” I whisper.“Not… Not like that.But I loved you.I saw you as a wounded manipular trying desperately to push everyone who tried to care for you away.I saw how scared you were that they would leave.I… I saw you, Arseni.

“And I knew the one thing you needed most in the world was someone who would reject all of your efforts to sabotage their love for you.And for someone to see you as the scared child that you were.I wanted so badly to be that person.Sobadly… But I couldn’t stop seeing you as a man, and I wasnotgoing to be just another person who used you before throwing you away.”

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