Page 91 of Let Me

“You need to take it.”

I grin uncomfortably and say, “No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.You’re pregnant, Autumn.”

I laugh it off, still thinking this is somehow a joke, and say, “Judah, what are you—?I’m not pregnant.”

“You are,” he says, his tone even.Face serious.“And it all makes sense now.”He smiles softly, takes my hand into his and explains, “When we were on our honeymoon, I went out to the beach.Remember when you couldn’t find me?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I was on the beach.It was raining.I was upset.I was praying.I asked God to leave you with something to remember me by when I’m gone.”

“Judah—”

“Wait…listen.I begged God to leave you with something so you’ll have a piece of me when I’m gone.A few days later, we made love for the first time, something I haven’t been able to do for years.A month after that, you started feeling sick.It’s been three weeks, Autumn, and you’re still complaining about feeling queasy.You’re pregnant.It’s our miracle baby.”

I blink the tears from my eyes and say, “Do you really think I’m pregnant?”

“I do, but we’ll know for sure when you take this.”

He hands me the box.“Okay.I’ma go take it.”

“Alright.”

I go to the bathroom and read the directions.I’ve never done this before.It can’t be as simple as peeing on a stick, can it?But it is.

“Okay, Autumn.Easy enough.You can do this,” I say quietly.

I take a breath and wheedle my way through it.The hardest part about all of it is learning that Judah prayed to God to leave me something in his absence.Why is he so certain that he’s going to leave me?It breaks my heart for him to think that way.Granted, I know what I signed up for.I knew it was a possibility and I convinced him to let me love him, anyway.But he’s fine.We’re fine.Our lives together are what people dream of.We’re good people.Surely, we’ll be okay.

But first things first.I have to pee on this stick.

I unwrap the wand and follow the instructions.Then I wait.

The waiting seems more like hours instead of minutes, but I wait.And while I wait, I ask myself even more questions – what if I am pregnant?Is it a girl or a boy?Do I know how to be a mother?Will I have to do this alone?Will Judah see his child grow up?Will he be there?For the long haul?For all the important milestones?Graduation?Marriage?

I take a breath.

Times up.

I turn around to look at the stick as it rests on the vanity.

PREGNANT.

Judah was right.I shouldn’t have doubted him.He’s always operated on a high level of intelligence and awareness.He knew something I didn’t realize about my own body.I’m growing a life.A little human.

Ourlittle human.

In tears, I open the door to leave the bathroom.He’s standing right there behind the door with tears running down his face.

I sink into his embrace and we hold each other and just cry for a moment.Words don’t need to be spoken.We just need each other in this delicate moment.

After five minutes or so of this silence, he kisses the top of my head and asks, “Are you okay?”

I pull back to look up at him and that’s when I see the biggest smile on his teary, handsome face.His prayers were answered.He left me a piece of him.And as I look at him in awe, I think to myself what I’ve always thought about his fear of death – we never know when we’re going to die and that’s just the honest truth.We just need to live every moment as if tomorrow wasthatday.This news only reinforces that within me – to love him harder, kiss him longer and hold on for dear life.

“Yes, I’m okay.We have a reason to celebrate.This is wonderful, Judah.We have to tell your parents.We have to tell my parents!”I grab his hand and say, “Come on.Let’s go.”

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