Page 22 of Let Me

“You can, Judah.”

“I can’t.It’s impossible.Anyone I meet, I have to havethe conversationso I can watch them pack up and run like Emori did.And you know what?Scratch that.I don’t want to have the conversation at all.Why should I?Why should I give someone a choice whether they want to love me based on the fact that I have cancer?Who would want that?Why should I want that while knowing I’m on my way out?”

“Judah,” Mom says, placing a hand over her heart.“Please don’t talk like that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“It’s not.”

“It is.There’s no need to pretend it’s not.”

“Well, all of this is pointless reasoning, anyway.It’s not like you’re seeing someone.Wait—are you seeing someone?”she asks, each word getting louder than the preceding as her eyes brighten, awaiting my response.

I hesitate to tell her that, yes, I did meet someone.I wouldn’t hear the last of it if I did.And it’s still early on.I want to spend more time with Autumn to know that my feelings are valid.Maybe this is just a hiccup.That’s more likely than anything else.

I say, “What I’m trying to say, Mother, is that some days are good and some are not.The last few haven’t been good because I’m thinking more along the lines of ‘why me’ instead of being grateful that I still have breath in my body.”

She’s deep in thought, concentrating on her response so she can tell me something insightful that will help pull me out of this slump.

After a deep breath, she crosses her legs, leans back, and says, “You know you’re my hero, don’t you?”

“Mother—”

“You are.You’ve been handling this like only you can, Judah.I honestly don’t know if I could do it if I were you.And trust and believe God didn’t put this on your plate, son.God is love.Love doesn’t cause pain and then sit back and watch you to see what you do with it.”

“Tell that to Job.”

“But God didn’t afflict Job, did He?The scriptures say the devil did that.”

“Oh, yeah.You’re right.”

“I know I’m right!”she says with a chuckle.

I always find her connection to her faith refreshing.She raised me to have an appreciation for the Bible, but it wasn’t until I got sick that I started to take it seriously.

“I don’t know what brought this on since you’re keeping it from me, but I think you should grab whatever happiness you can, Judah.That’s not selfish, and it’s not deceitful.If this is about a woman, as long as she’s fully aware of your diagnosis, she can decide for herself if she wants to be with you.I know that opens up the door for rejection, but it’s not something you can keep from someone.”

“I know.”

She smiles.

I smile back.It’s a small one.An appreciative one.No one knows me like this woman who birthed me.She’s strong.Passionate.She was always the woman to do what she had to do to get the job done.Always seeing beyond the surface.Very insightful and in tune with life.With her family.I didn’t have to tell her my issue involved a woman, and she already knew.

She stands, bends to the left and right, waking up her body after sitting, and asks, “You coming in tomorrow?”

“Yes.I’ll be there.”

She walks over, hugs me and says, “Take a long, hot shower, be with your thoughts and I mean really connect with them, then have a good night’s sleep.Okay?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay.”She places a hand on my face and says, “I love you, son.”

“I love you, too, Mother.As always, thank you for your insight.I really needed it.”

“Anytime.”

“Let me walk you home,” I say, sauntering toward the door.“It’s getting dark out.”

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