Page 85 of Let Me

“What about you?Have you talked to Nico?”

“No, I haven’t.I haven’t talked to my parents either—well, besides texting them to let them know that we made it safely.”

“Yeah, I did that, too.”

The food arrives.We have large plates of different varieties of meats – fish, shrimp, steak, pork.

“Oh my…it all looks so tempting,” she says.“They’re making sure they send us off with a bang.”

“Yes, they are.”

We dive in.The food is so delicious, it takes effort to keep from moaning, but Autumn just goes for it.

She says, “Oh, I don’t want to leave.”

“Here’s the amazing part, Autumn.We’re leaving this place, yes, but that feeling of euphoria, that’s ours and we can take that wherever we go, sweetheart.”

“True.”

“So, eat up, have a good time, and let’s live for the moment.”

“I’m with you one hundred percent.”

Around midnight, we head back to our bungalow.Autumn, in all her glory, passes out on the bed as soon as her face makes contact with the pillow.That gives me time with my thoughts.Lately, I’ve been having plenty of them.

I take a short stroll to the beach.I slip off my sandals, walk across the sand, and then breathe in the fresh air, tilting my face to the sky.Drops of water splashes in my face as it begins to rain.I’m grateful.They hide my tears.Being in paradise with my wife has me emotional, especially when I think about my illness.The unknowns are stressful.It’s detrimental to my health to know the potential damage I can do to her.Tears drain from my eyes as I fall to my knees, agonizing over it beneath a stormy sky that’s a replica of what I feel on the inside.I have no control over my life.My fate.It’s all in His hands.

Closing my weary eyes, I say, “Dear God…I don’t ask you for much.I don’t.I know you’re aware of my circumstances, and you’ve shown me much grace, but tonight, I don’t come to you for me.I come to you for my wife.She’s special to me—a gift I consider to be straight from you.And when I’m gone—” I whimper, my lips trembling as I try to get the words out.

I continue, “When I’m gone, she’ll have nothing because she loves me so much that she wants no one else but me.And I—I can’t leave her anything to remember me by but pictures and memories which I know won’t be enough.They just won’t be.”

I push water away from my face and force myself to breathe, then continue, “I’m not going to be there for her, but I know you’ll be because you’re the Almighty, and you’re a God of love, and I greatly appreciate the love and grace you’ve shown me over the years, so please hear my prayer and give me this one request.How can I leave the woman I love with nothing?I beg of you—please givehersomething.Give her the strength to continue loving me.Give her love, life and the strength to move ahead in life without me.Give her memories of us that will last.Give her my heart.Please, God, please give her something to remember me by.It’s in the name of your Son, Jesus, that I make this request, amen.”

I take a deep breath and hold it in for a long time before releasing the built-up stress and tension into the sky.I feel relief in letting it go, leaving my cares with Him and letting the spirit work on my behalf.

The sky opens.

Rain drenches my soul and refreshes me.It takes my pain away and helps me see the light through this temporary darkness.I see my way back to the bungalow where I find Autumn on the deck pacing.She has two phones in her hand – mine and hers.When she sees me, she sprints in my direction and leaps into my arms, latching on for dear life.

“Autumn,” I say, but it’s of no use.She squeezes me.Her body trembles.“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I woke up in the middle of the night and you were missing.I was worried sick, Judah.”

“I’m fine,” I tell her, but inside I’m dying a little because this is how she’s suffering at the thought of me going missing.When I’m actually gone, it will be much worse, no matter how strong she says she is.She loves me like I’ve never been loved, and the way she’s clinging to me for dear life proves that she will not be okay when I’m gone.

Chapter 34

It’s the first workday after we’re back from our honeymoon.We flew home Saturday, spent Sunday resting and today, we have to muster up some strength to prepare for our jobs.I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of things – just notthisearly.A few days off after our return would’ve definitely done the trick.Now, I’m lying here thinking about how to make that happen while yearning for a cup of coffee at the same time.

I stretch and then turn to my left to see Judah’s eyes on me.A smile instantly spreads across my face.I should’ve known he’d be watching me.

“Good morning, Judah.”

“Good morning, Autumn.”

“What are you doing lying here awake?”

“I haven’t been able to sleep since this happened.”

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