Page 62 of Let Me

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Autumn—”

“And if we were never meant to be, why are you here now?”I yell, feeling tears come to my eyes.That’s one of my flaws—I cry when I’m angry when I should be standing my ground and getting my point across.The tears flow, and he’s just standing there doing nothing.

I turn to leave for the third time.

He says, “I love you, Autumn.That’s why I’m here.”

I wipe away tears that stream down my face, look at him, and say, “I don’t believe you.”

But I do believe him.I knew he loved me before he said it.That’s why it hurt so much when he ended things.His indecisiveness is going to be the death of me.

“Itisthe truth.”

“Then why would you do what you did to me?That’s not love.Love doesn’t leave a woman at the door with a pot roast and a lemon cake.”

“Autumn—”

“Love doesn’t let a month divide people who were meant to be together.”

“Sweetheart, there are—”

“Don’t call me sweetheart after what you did to me.”

“Okay.Autumn, there are things about me you don’t understand.”

“Oh, I understand everything.I understand you live this very small life because you have cancer.I understand you never wanted to fall in love because you don’t know if and when you’ll no longer be here with us.Guess what, Judah?I don’t know how long I’m going to be here.Nobody knows how long they’re going to be here.All we can do is the best we can.That’s it!But you’re not doing that, are you?You’re hiding, and if that’s your goal, then it’s your goal, but I’m not going to be with a man who kisses me like I’m the last woman on earth one minute, and the next you’re hiding in the house while I’m outside in tears ringing the doorbell.”

“I apologize for the way I’ve made you feel, and I don’t want to hide from you.I want you.”

My eyes narrow, burning with disbelief as I search his face for the truth.I take a sharp breath and ask, “You want me?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.Then I’m right here,” I say, widening my arms.“I’m right here, Judah.Here I am, offering myself to you on a platter like I’ve always done.I’m yours.You can do whatever you want with me.”

I watch the moment he swallows his feelings down his throat and drops his head.There’s that indecisiveness again.

Lowering my arms, I ask, “Why seek me out to tell me that you love me and not do anything about it?You obviously came here for a reason.Is that all you wanted?”I say, wiping my eyes.“To tell me that you love me and disappear again?”

“No.”

“Then…” I sigh heavily, thoroughly confused, but my mind is clear enough to know I’m not going to beg a man to be with me.“Judah, I have to go.”

“I can’t be a real man for you, Autumn.You love me, I know that, but you don’t know things about me that will certainly make you change your mind.”

“You have cancer.I know that already, and—”

“I could never make love to you,” he cuts me off to say, in distress.“That part of me doesn’t work anymore.I can’t—” his voice cracks.“I could never give you children.You said you wanted children.I can’t be the man to give you that, so while I do love you deeply,” he says wiping a tear rolling down his face, “I know I’m not the man for you.I want you to be happy.I want you to have everything your heart desires.How can that be me?”

I take a step forward, press my face against his chest and just stay here.I freakin’ love it here.Love this man down, and I don’t care about anything he just said.It doesn’t change the way I feel about him.He has my heart.Everything else will just be what it is.

I release him, look up into his eyes, and say, “Intimacy involves more than sex, Judah.”

“I know that, but—”

“I’m yours.Say you’re mine and nothing else needs to be said.”

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