Page 41 of Let Me

“Goodnight, Autumn.”

I get into my car and head home more confused than I was when I arrived.I can still feel his lips on mine.The texture of his tongue will forever be embedded in my mouth.His taste lives on my tonsils like it pays rent.But as I travel down the road, I can’t help but feel like I’m heading for heartbreak, yet, I don’t want to end this journey, and perhaps I shouldn’t.Maybe I should back off and give him time to figure out what he wants, even if it’s driving me insane.

Chapter 11

I take the next few days to sit with my feelings, sorting through the emotions that come with falling for someone yet being conflicted about it.Through this process, I have to work – well, if you call what I’ve been doing work.My mind isn’t here.It’s with Autumn, but I purposely don’t call her.Don’t text her.Don’t speak to her at all.I haven’t allowed myself to get this close to a woman and I don’t want to get involved with one now.She’s too innocent for me.Too good of a woman to get mixed up with half of a man.Yes, that’s what I see when I look in the mirror.A man who’s living below his potential.I’m in no position to think about being with someone, especially a woman as great as her.

Toward the end of the day when we’re wrapping up things at the store and leaving for the day, my father gives me a serious side-eye and says, “Make sure you get plenty of rest tomorrow so you can actually be present.”

“I was present today, Father,” I tell him.

I don’t want to get into it with him, but the man acts like I’m the bane of his existence.I know why – don’t really want to get into that either, but he just may make me lose it.I’m not particularly in the mood for atalking toafter dealing with what I’ve had to deal with for the last few days.

“You were present?Really?Who puts grapes in the same bag as a bottle of apple juice?It doesn’t require a degree to be a bagger, and you can’t even get that right.”

“Dear!”Mom says, intervening like she always does as if I need saving from him.I know how to handle my father.I just choose to take the higher road where he’s concerned.

“It’s alright, Ma.Dad’s just having a bad day.”

“I’mnot the one having the bad day.That would be you.What’s with you these last few days?You usually come in here all chipper, ready to start the day and lately, you’re just bland—standing there looking in a daze like you don’t know your right from your left.”

“Well, Father, I can assure you I know my right from my left.”

“Then act like it!”

“My God—have you never had a bad day?”I ask, heated, yet still trying to remain tactful.

He lets out a pissed off chuckle and says, “Oh, yeah.I’ve had plenty of those.Like when I pay for my son—myonlychild—to go to college and he turns out to find much more joy in bagging groceries.”

“You know why I chose to work here.”

“Oh, don’t give me that crap.”

“I’m dying, Dad!”

“You ain’t dead yet!”he snaps, yelling louder than I did.

“I may as well be!”I take a few breaths to calm my psyche and say, “You know what—argue by yourself.I’m out.”

I leave the store in a hurry, hop in my car, and peel out.I get home in record time, shower and lie on the bed, thinking about things I know I probably shouldn’t yet can’t help but wonder about.Like, when am I going to die?When will my last day be?What exactly does dying feel like?Does my father have the right to be as upset as he is with me?Why does it feel like the walls are all closing in on me at once?

Thursday morning, I don’t go to work since I know my father doesn’t want me there.My mother called and left a voicemail, giving me the same spiel she always does whenever my father goes off on a tangent.She tells me he means well.He’s just frustrated because he wanted his son to have the best of everything.

I didn’t want to, but my heart tells me to text Autumn and I know why.With her, I know I’ll get the support that I’m lacking right now.Just interacting with her will greatly improve my current mood.

Hey.

She doesn’t respond right away.She’s at work during this time.Finally, after about a half hour, she responds:

Hey, stranger.

How are you?

I’m good.You?

I’m not sure at the moment.

What’s wrong?

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