Page 64 of Rewriting the Story

Maybe in another life, we somehow made it work, but I’m just not sure we can in this one.

22

That’s What I Get by Wallows

Mybrainhasbeena mess for the last twenty-four hours, but as I listen to the girls talk about the most random things, I realize I have three wonderful humans in front of me who are on their way to forgiving me.

My brain is so scrambled from that kiss, I can’t even begin to sort through everything my mind, body, and heart are feeling.

“Ella, you promised me you didn't do anything too over the top.” Paige smirks, knowing over the top and Ella are words that often go together. “I said I didn't need anything too crazy.”

“And it’s not!” Ella says, but I can tell she’s lying. She told us to expect the unexpected tonight, and there’s not a doubt in my mind that she has something up her sleeve.

“Ells, I love you, but you said the same thing about your birthday this year, and Alissa dragged us all to a strip club,” Hads reminds us, but I wasn't present for that. Some of these conversations they have from when I wasn't around make the ache in my chest stronger, but I always remind myself I’m here now. One day, we’ll tell stories about these moments while sitting around with our families, catching up.

I can’t wait to get to those moments, but I also want time to slow down so I can savor this with them.

“Ames? Are you okay?” Paige asks me. “You’ve been more quiet than usual tonight.”

“I think I’m just a little tired,” I lie, and I can tell the three of them can see right through me. I don’t want this week to be all about me. That’s not why I came back.

“Don’t start lying to us again, Ames,” Ella says. “If you’re struggling with something, tell us about it.”

“Isn't that what you promised the three of us when we all sat down to talk?” Hads reminds me, and I nod.

“Yes, but it’s Paige’s wedding, and I don’t—”

“Stop with the bullshit excuses,” Paige tells me, and we all turn to look at her. The three of us are shocked at not only her tone, but her candor. “What? Just because it’s my wedding doesn't mean we can’t talk about anything else.”

The three of them turn and wait for me to start speaking. Not knowing where to start, I just open my mouth and let whatever comes out come out.

“Henry kissed me the other day.”

“What?” Paige all but leaps out of her spot on the couch.

“Henry Hayes? Kissed you?” Ella asks, shock lacing her tone.

“On purpose?” Hads asks, and then I launch into what happened on the beach.

By the time I’m done, I’ve paced around the entire living area, and I’m worried the chain on this necklace is going to break with the number of times I’ve moved the charm back and forth on it.

“I don’t know what to do going forward. Do we talk about the kiss, or do we pretend it never happened?”

“Well, how did it make you feel?” Paige asks me, and I freeze.

“I don’t really know the answer to that,” I say as I start to think. Howdidit make me feel?

“Just tell us the first words that pop into your mind when you think about the kiss,” Hads says.

“Familiar. Confusing. Terrifying,” are the first three words that come out. “Wow.”

“That sounds about right, given your history with him,” Ella says. “And how you left things.”

“I know I fucked up. I thought it was best for us in the long run, but I went about it in the worst way possible. My therapist told me it’s because of my fucking brain. My stupid, impulsive, annoying, chemically unbalanced brain.” Sometimes, I feel okay about getting a diagnosis and knowing why I operate the way I do. Other times, I get frustrated I won’t ever be different from this. This is one of the frustrating times when my brain feels so disorganized, I can’t think straight.

“Maybe you should call her and update her about what’s been going on?” Hads offers.

“It’s not the worst idea,” Ella says. “But I’m glad you decided to talk to us about this, Amelia. We’re your friends, and we can understand how difficult it must be for you and Henry to be in the same place again.”

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