Page 37 of Rewriting the Story

“Why? Why keep yourself from the good just because you messed something up?” Ella asks me.

“Because I’m not sure it’s worth it to feel good for a little while if the only thing I’m left with is the pain over what I did. I would rather feel nothing than feel everything, and I’m sure Henry would say the same.”

“What a waste, Amelia,” Hads says. “We all saw how you two were in college—enamored doesn't even cover it. Why would you want to erase all that from your memories?”

Because I’d rather be numb than live with the mistakes I’ve made. That’s why part of me was worried to go on medication in the first place. I was afraid I’d be more of an unfeeling robot than before, but that’s not true. If anything, I’m more in touch with my emotions than ever.

“So, are you going to talk to him?” Hads asks. “You will have to see him if he’s here with the boys.”

My head turns to Paige. “I’m not going to ruin the wedding.”

“You have to at least talk to him,” Paige tells me. “You owe him that much, Ames. After all, you did just up and disappear on him with no explanation.”

I know she’s right, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that yet. I’m strong enough to face the girls, but I don’t know if I’m even going to be able to look him in the eyes and see the consequences of what I did to him inside his gaze. “I’ll think about it, okay?” I shake free from her hand, my palms sweaty before I shake my hands out, needing any part of my body to be moving. “Can we get ready for dinner now?”

The three of them look between the circle we have on Paige’s bed before Ella gets up and comes back to top off their drinks.

“Turn on the speaker and get some music going for us, Ames,” Ella tells me as she grabs my cup and heads to the kitchen to refill it.

I take a deep breath and take in everything I said to them. I feel lighter than I have in weeks, and now that everything is on the table and I have no more secrets to share, I’d say we’re all headed in the right direction.

These girls fully forgiving me is going to take some time, but this entire week has been a step in the right direction. I’m grateful I wasn't stupid enough to keep running from them, because on this next step, I don’t know how I’d be able to do it without them.

13

Then — The Summer Before Senior Year

Warm by Ariana Grande

“Paige,Itoldyou,classes are the same as they have been,” I say as I adjust my bag on my shoulder. “Boring.”

“Then why did you stay on campus?”

“When I switched my major, I fell behind, and if I want to graduate with you at the end of next year, I’ll waste my summer here at Grand Mountain.” Though, this summer doesn't really feel like a waste. Not only do I not have to deal with my parents at home, the weight of their disappointment on my shoulders twenty-four seven, but I get some time to myself before I’m launchedinto the real world.

Terrified is an understatement, but it’s going to be fine.

“Well, it doesn't seem like a waste, especially since you already had your own personal meet cute at that concert.”

I can practically hear her smirk over the phone.

“It wasn't a meet cute, Paige. I’m not even sure if I’m going to text him.”

“Amelia! God, you really are the worst, aren't you? Was all the cyberstalking I did for nothing?”

I can’t help my laugh. “I told you not to do it in the first place, but you’re crazy!”

“What you call crazy, I call thorough,” she reminds me. “But he’s adorable, Ames. If you don’t text him, I’m going to steal your phone and do it for you.”

“Paige Yarrow, you are insane.” I say as I open the door to the library, needing a cup of coffee before I lock myself in a study room to get going on this paper due in a week. I knew summer classes were going to be tougher than my normal ones, but the amount of work I have to do has drowned me. I can barely focus on anything besides homework, and even then, I’m still not focusing. This is our first long conversation since classes started, when normally, we debrief a few times a week, especially since she’s all the way back in New York.

“And you love me anyway,” she reminds me.

“Of course I do.”

“So, when are you going to hang out with him again?

“Probably never, P,” I reiterate. There’s a long pause, and Paige is either too deep into stalking his social media, or she thinks I’m joking. “I’m not kidding.”

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