Page 114 of Reconciling With the Rival

Ella: Bookstore trip?

Hads: Yes!

Paige: Oh my, yes! I got paid yesterday! This is perfect!

Grant: Thank God. I need a new book. I’ve run out of things to read while I’m sitting at home.

Ella: I can pick you guys up?

Three people liked a message.

Coasting.

That’s how I would describe my mental, physical, and emotional state lately. I’ve been coasting through work, taking care of myself and everything else. I hate it. I hate that I’m frozen where I am because of Thanksgiving.

On one hand, I feel like it’s all my fault. But on the other, I said what I had to say to someone who’s trying to rip my family apart.

My mother was the one who left all those years ago, and I had to step up and take care of my sister, yet she’s the one able to waltz back in here like everything is fine, like she never ripped our hearts in the first place.

I know my sister and dad didn't just forget about that, so how were they able to forgive her so easily? How did I somehow end up the bad guy when I stayed and kept us afloat?

I have no clue, but I’m desperate to forget about the confusing state of my life tonight, because I cannot wait to see my friends. I swipe on some concealer to make it look like I’m not asexhausted as I feel and set that with my favorite powder. I know we’re just going to the bookstore, but I have to look presentable in case there are any cute people browsing the shelves. Plus, I don’t want my friends to worry about me if they saw the dark circles and general exhaustion written all over my face.

Honestly, getting ready, throwing makeup and a cute outfit on always helps me feel better. I think it’s the routine of it. I know every single step of what to do. It’s all muscle memory at this point, and all I’ve been doing lately is clinging to what I know.

Makeup and clothes is what I do well.

As I finish and put on a pair of platform boots I had to dig out of my closet, I text the group chat that I’m on my way. Paige is first, then Hads and Grant. Grant is on crutches, so he’ll have to lay those down on the floor in the back so he can get comfortable. Plus, Paige always moves my passenger seat up when she’s in my car, so it’s perfect.

Thank fuck Alissa is out with her brother tonight, because I’ve also been avoiding her as best as I can since I started fucking him.

Though I’m not even sure if you could call what we’re doing just fucking anymore.

I swear, she could take one look at me and know I’m hiding something from her. Thankfully, she has been working overtime lately, but we still hang out every Tuesday like normal. But work talk is banned, and so is talk of her brother while we watch reality television and eat ice cream.

Those moments are nice, but I hate lying to her. I don’t think she would mind that I’m hooking up with her brother, but I don’t even know how to explain it.

For one, after Thanksgiving, I somehow ended up at his apartment building. I don’t even know how it really happened. I swear, I blinked, and there he was, opening up his door.

I don’t know how I ended up there, but I don’t regret it. Leo made me feel…wanted. He made me feel like I wasn't a psychopath for showing up and demanding him to fuck me, even though I felt like an idiot.

He made me feel like I could let my guard down and just exist, and he’ll never know how much that night meant to me. I’d never tell him about my feelings—whatever they even are. I haven't had time to dissect them with everything going on, and to be fair, I’m not sure I want to.

Because I’m afraid that, deep down, after all these years, I was wrong about him from the beginning.

He’s not the man I thought he was, and I made a mistake by judging him too quickly when I didn't even know him. But that doesn't erase everything that has transpired between us.

I’ve been looking at all our past quips from college to now with a different lens, and Leo Zimmerman may not be the asshole I thought he was.

He might’ve been like me—trying to keep his family together when something unthinkable happens. For me, it was my mom leaving, but for him, it was his dad’s health issues.

He stayed over there while Alissa was here with me, until eventually, he got the job he has now. But he told me before that he’s always worrying about his parents across the ocean.

For the first time ever, I had something in common with him. All I do all day is worry about my sister. The ache of missing her and my dad comes back when I think about her for too long lately, and I wish I could fix this fucked up situation.

But I don’t know how, and I shouldn't have to be the one constantly trying to make everything better. For once, someone else should empathize with me about how I was treated as a kid and apologize for ambushing me. I was right to be angry on Thanksgiving, and I will always stand by my actions.

My heart is slowly opening to the possibility that I might have feelings for Leo—feelings other than absolute annoyance and hatred.

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