Page 107 of Reconciling With the Rival

She shakes her head. “I never forgot about you guys.”

“Then why didn't you come back? Why didn't you stay, Mom?” My voice breaks at the end, and I hate how I sound right now.I’m practically begging her for answers to why she decided to leave. Right now, I’m fighting for the child in me who wanted to get angry but couldn't, for the child in me that couldn't scream or cry when something didn't go her way.

I had to be the easy kid, the one my dad didn't have to worry about, since he was worrying about everything else.

I never had a childhood. I never got to play like a carefree kid. I never had the luxury of fun because I was terrified my dad would wake up one day and leave too, deciding that the effort he was putting in wasn't good enough.

I was terrified that one day, I would wake up, and he would be gone, leaving Lizzie and me to fend for ourselves. Thankfully, that never happened, but it didn't stop the nightmares from coming. It didn't stop little me from thinking she wasn't worth being around.

I was a child when my mom left, but I wasn't clueless. I knew what it meant when my dad told me she was gone.

“All my life, I’ve tried to undo the damage you did when you left. All my life, I’ve tried to protect my sister from the pain you caused, all for you to come back and pretend like you never left.” I step closer to her. “Do you know what it felt like to carry all that weight as a kid? Do you even feel bad for leaving?”

“I did what I had to do, Ella. I did what I thought was best for you three—”

I point my finger in her face. “No! No, you did what was best for you! All you’ve given us are excuses. You might be my mother, but we’re not family. Just because you gave birth to me doesn't mean you know what it’s like to raise a child, to be there for someone unconditionally.”

My entire life, I’ve tried to create as much distance from who I am and who my mother was. If I ended up like her, I don’t know if I could live with myself. But the major difference between herand me is that I stay when things get tough. I don’t run the other direction like she did.

“I’ve tried to forgive you over the years. I’ve tried to look at the situation from every angle, but nothing ever made sense. I sat there as a kid trying to excuse your actions, but when I put myself in your shoes, I knew I never would have run away. That’s where we differ, Mother. If I was in your shoes, running away would never be a fucking option.”

“It was too much, all of it. The school, the homework, working, practices. It was all too much, and you’ll never understand. If you can’t forgive me, then I don’t know where that leaves us.” My mother puts her hand on Lizzie’s shoulder, her other arm snaking through my Dad’s. “If they can forgive me, you should be able to, Ella. This entire argument is because of you. So, congratulations. You successfully ruined Thanksgiving.”

“Now, let’s not take it there, Camila,” my father says, trying to calm the situation down.

“No, I didn't,” I say as I finally put the fucking spoon down and search for my purse. “I know I’ve said some hurtful things, but nothing is worse than leaving two kids and a husband who loved you no matter what.” I take one last look at them as I open the door. “All I wanted was to be a kid. All I wanted was a mother who loved me, who felt sorry for her mistakes. It’s clear you don't feel anything about what you did, so no, I can’t forgive you. And I’m sorry, Lizzie, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to.”

Without another word, I slam the door as my dad calls my name. I get in my car and drive, tears streaming down my face the whole time, because I might’ve just lost my family.

33

Come Here, Darling

Thanksgiving

“I thought we werehaving a roast today, sis?”

She only shakes her head as she traipses around my new place. “We are, but that’s for dinner. I’m going to make some tea to go with these scones and biscuits I made.”

“Fine by me,” I tell her as I unpack a few of the boxes that still sit in my living room. “So, how has life been at the flat now that I’m gone? Are you two bored without me?” I don’t know why I asked. It has only been a week.

“It’s been quiet, actually. Quite nice.” She smiles at me as she grabs a bunch of shit out of the box she brought over.

“Sis, I told you I had pots and pans. Why did you bring your own?”

“I didn't believe you when you said that, Leo.”

“What am I going to do with two of the same pan then, Liss?”

She shrugs her shoulders at me. “Use one for you and one for your one-night stands.”

I fake laughter as I go back to unpacking the books and shit Holt bought to make me appear more sophisticated—whatever that means. I told him I didn't need help with that, and he only laughed in my face.

Grant and Oliver bought me a brand new chess board, and the fact that it has been sitting in a box in my living room makes me mad. Something as beautiful as that shouldn't be in a box. It’s one of my main display pieces in my living room, and I even bought a table and two chairs in order to display it properly.

I don’t know many people who play chess, but Grant told me he would learn so he could play with me. He has a lot of time now, since he’s out of work from his accident.

When my sister told me Grant had been in a car accident, I was worried. I almost grabbed my phone to call Ella and ask how he was that night, but I decided not to.

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