Page 44 of A Little Campfire Blues

“But I flew all the way out into the lake,” Ezzy declared.

“Yes, you did, and took a year off my life with it,” Daddy said.

“Mine too,” Ro replied, as I buckled his headpiece on.

As soon as I got it fitted, he threw his head back and howled. He’d gotten into full pup gear tonight, and I was excited to see what he’d do once we started playing.

“Puppy!” Ezzy declared, leaving the Thor figure with Daddy before bounding over to hug Roman, who immediately started wiggling his rear to make his tail wag.

Tonight I’d put on my black and purple onesie. It had feet, and a hood, and everything. Both sides had the same print of moons, roses, and coffins; only one side was purple, and the other was black. It was one of my favorites and one I snuggled up with around my apartment whenever I wanted to lounge around, brood, and see how many movies I could binge in an afternoon.

Daddy had called it; I did brood a lot. I even looked for broody places I could hunker down in when I was in a mood. I shouldn’t be in a mood here in this amazing place, especially when we were having so much fun playing and cutting loose. Yet every morning, I looked for a new place to scowl and work on lyrics. These past few mornings, Ezzy had gone with me, with his own backpack full of pens and notebooks, to work in the silence of the morning not far from wherever I sat.

Hands settled on my shoulders, and I nearly jumped out of my skin before I realized it was just Mack. When had Daddy moved? He’d been clear across the room a minute ago? Only when I focused on the television did I realize that more than a few minutes had passed. We were already in Asgard with all the glittery gold buildings and clouds. Guess I’d gotten lost in my head again.

I felt a light tug on my hoodie as Daddy tugged it down and buried his hands in my hair, fisting the strands, tugging lightly, and forcing me to sit up straighter as he leaned in and sniffed my hair.

“How do you still smell like rain?” He growled. “Even after all the swimming and showering off the leaf debris, you still smell like rain.”

“Sounds almost like song lyrics when you say it like that,” I moaned, letting my head tilt back completely as he started massaging my scalp.

“Good, think of it as a song and get lost in it,” he told me. “You did such a good job helping Roman get ready. Did it help you a little to focus on someone other than yourself?

“Yeah,” I murmured. “I couldn’t think about other stuff while I was doing it.”

“But when you stopped, your thoughts started swirling.”

“Just a little.”

“Let’s get that part to stop completely so daddy’s little Lightning Bug can relax and enjoy the evening.”

Blinking, I sat there stunned while he trailed his fingers through my hair as the words sank in. Last night we’d finally gotten to chase the lightning bugs along the edge of the pond after we’d come in from swimming, and when they’d all gone away, I’d held my flashlight beneath my chin, blinking it on and off while Ezzy and Ro chased me around until we were all exhausted. Earlier in the day, Roman had gotten a nickname too. His was Water Bug, and it truly fit him. Until a moment ago I was scared that I wasn’t gonna get one. Now I spun into Daddy’s embrace, tugging my hair a little in my rush to hug him. If he’d been near the top, it would have really hurt. As it was, I wrapped some around my neck as I spun and choked myself a little.

He hugged me back just as tight and hard, stroked my hair, and murmured in my ear, making me shiver and press tighter to him.

“I just needed to find the right one.” He said, nuzzling my neck.

Melting against him, movie forgotten, I stayed that way as the whirlwind inside my head began to settle. Yes, I was insecure, and I hated it. Deep down I still felt like I needed to do something, anything, to show that I could be special too, only now I wasn’t sure who I wanted to prove it to more, my folks or me? I guess the real problem was that I couldn’t see myself asmore than spare parts and a donor supply for my brother. Daddy was right. Until that changed, nothing ever would.

All this time, I’d stayed away from there because I hadn’t wanted to run into them until I had something positively amazing to share. But did I really want pride to keep me away from Ezzy and Roman once they got home or from joining in on fun times with Daddy when he visited? It was less than a two-hour drive from Portland to Eugene, especially with the way I drove. Maybe I couldn’t join for Friday nights and Saturday, but if I took off after a show on Saturday night, I could get there in time for story hour and have all of Sunday to spend with them. That would be something at least.

Or you could just bite the bullet and go home!

The voice in the back of my head was loud today, constantly trying to remind me that there were plenty of clubs that would love to have me play in and around Eugene. My online work, including the voice acting and the jingles, could be done from anywhere, and again, the distance was close enough that I could drive to Portland whenever I felt like playing a bigger venue.

It was possible.

But I’d wait to see how things unfolded a few weeks down the line, once we’d gotten back to our daily lives. Mack could easily decide that he wasn’t up to the task of maintaining a long-distance relationship with three different people, and a little part of me was scared that Ezzy and Ro would blame it on me. For the rest of the time we were here, I’d work harder at being less complicated and difficult if I could only stay the fuck out of my head.

Even leaning against Mack I was thinking too hard, but if he noticed, he didn’t say anything. He just steadily stroked my hair, low, rumbling sounds coming from him that sounded almost like…wait…it was a song. He was singing to me.

Focus on that, not anything else.

At least this time the voice in my head was attempting to be helpful.

Focus on that.

Focus on the music.

---