Page 92 of The Village Cafe in the Loire

‘Well, clearly!’

‘But that’s the beauty of it, Mum, don’t you see?’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe I’ll end up staying forever. Maybe I’ll be back in advertising, working freelance or remotely. Maybe I’ll take a course, start another sort of business. Become… well, work on my drawing. I don’t know. And Mum, that’s what I’m saying. I don’t know, and that’s OK.’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Mum,’ she reached out a hand and this time her mother didn’t move away. ‘All my life I’ve had a plan. A fixed plan. Targets. Sometimes from school, society. And from you too. Five-year plans, ten-year plans. My life mapped out in bite-size chunks. And I know that’s helped me get where I am today. I’m not ungrateful. I’m really not.’

Cynthia hmphed.

‘But Mum, I had to step back. And when I did, it was the first time I’d ever had the time to… look at it all. I’m not sure if the life I’ve built makes me happy. If it’s what I would have chosen myself. I have no idea. I’ve never taken the time to think. To look about me. To think about who I am. What I want.’

‘Oh Rebecca. Are you sure you’ve thought this through?’ said her mother, shaking her head. ‘I know things are different with you millennials, or whatever you call yourselves, than they were in my day. All this self-examination, all these emotions. Being triggered. Yourfeelings.But it’s very self-indulgent.’

‘But Mum, why shouldn’t I indulge myself? I’ve worked hard, I’ve got qualifications to fall back on. I’ve been given this… opportunity. At worst, even if I decide I want to come back… resume things, I won’t have missed much. And it could be… it could be wonderful.’

‘Whatcould be?’

‘Having absolutely no plan at all.’

Because when she was trying to decide whether to choose her life in London or her life in France, she’d realised what she wanted more than anything.

And it was absolutely nothing.

She didn’t want to make a choice between two different lives. She didn’t want to think about where her choices would lead her. She didn’t want to sign on a dotted line, or shake on a deal, or commit herself to anything.

She wanted to have the space not to know.

And wanted that not to matter, if only for a little while.

‘It sounds,’ Cynthia said, ‘as if you might be having a breakdown after all. Look, I wasn’t going to say, but my friend knows a really good doctor. Fantastic chap. I could…’

‘Mum. I’m OK. I’m just saying I want to try a few things. Take a break.’

‘A break? Hogwash! You’re thirty, you have to keep the momentum up if you want to achieve what you’ve set your sights on.’

‘And what is it that I’ve set my sights on, Mother?’

‘Rebecca! Don’t cheek me. Success, of course. Self-sufficiency, independence.’

‘I don’t think I have.’

‘Rubbish! Everyone wants to be successful, Rebecca.’

‘Well, maybe. But Mum, I’ve been thinking… and I’m not 100 per cent sure what success actually means for me.’

‘Of course you do… It’s…’

‘No, Mum. I know what you wanted. I can even see now what Maud wanted, when she made her move and changed her life. And you have done amazing things. Both of you. But I don’t know what success looks like forme.’

‘Now Rebecca, I think it’s important that you don’t do anything hasty…’

‘I couldn’t agree more! That’s what I’m saying. I’m going to take a bit of time… get to know myself. And while I’m doing that, I’m going to do something worthwhile. Run the café, learn a little French, experience life.’

‘You’ve already experienced life!’

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