Page 68 of Midnight in Paris

‘It’s OK. I’m happy. Well, not happy. But I’m fine. I’m getting up, I’m doing the things. I’m functioning. And I suppose it just has to be enough.’

‘Enough for now?’ Sam suggested.

‘Maybe enough forever,’ she admitted. ‘I can’t see…’ Tears pooled in her eyes and she wiped them away angrily. ‘I can’t see a way forward beyond this. I… it doesn’t feel like there’s anything else for me. But it’s OK. You don’t need to worry. I’m not… desperate. I’m OK doing what I’m doing and just getting on with it.’

‘But you deserve so much more…’

‘Do I though? Maybe I had my luck already. Maybe that was the good bit, and the rest of my life is going to be, well, just OK.’

‘No.’ Sam said firmly. ‘I’m not going to let it.’

‘You don’t understand! You…’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘How can you, I…’

‘Look.’ Sam grabbed her hand, more firmly than before, and Sophie looked down at it, silenced suddenly. ‘When you were going through all that with Tom. All the treatment, all the worry. Something happened to me. I never told you because – well, you had enough going on. But it changed me, you know.’

‘What?’

‘I can’t…’ Sam suddenly looked different, vulnerable. ‘Look, I was going out a lot. Partying. Making the most of my freedom after moving out. You know? And one night, well, someone I thought was a friend… he… well, he walked me home and he…’ She looked at her sister, imploring her to not force her to say it.

‘He raped you?’

Sam’s tears spilled hotly down her cheeks. She nodded. Once. ‘And I’ve dealt with it. I reported it. Had counselling. I don’t want to talk about it any more. Not now, anyway.’

‘But, Sam…’

‘Please, Soph. I’m just telling you that afterwards, I was changed… I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything. But my therapist, and Katy – you know, the girl I lived with in third year – they kind of helped me to take my life back. Because I couldn’t let him steal that. My future. My chances. And it’s not always easy, but look at me! I’m here. I’m doing it. Dating. Going out. And it’s better. It’s better than when I shut myself away and wanted to protect myself from it all.’

‘Oh, darling.’ Sophie put another hand over her sister’s, almost as if they were playing a game. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Sam shook her head. ‘Thanks. But look. Let’s stop. It’s better to keep it in the past.’ She took a big, shuddering breath. ‘I’m just trying to tell you that you can do it. If I can do it, you can. And that you think you don’t need people, but you do. We all do.’

Sophie nodded, not sure what to say.

‘Soph,’ Sam looked at her earnestly, ‘you just can’t hide from it – life. It happens anyway. Whether you’re locked in a flator out there trying your best to find something that makes you happy. It goes by and it happens. And you can’t protect yourself from it. Not really.’

‘OK,’ she said softly.

‘So I want you to promise me that you’ll try. Just… the next time a chance comes your way to do something – go out, meet friends, anything… just try? For me.’

Sophie nodded. ‘OK.’

‘Now,’ Sam said, taking her hands back and wiping her eyes. ‘Didn’t you just offer me another coffee?’

On instinct, Sophie picked up her phone and sent her sister a message.

Sophie

Thanks. For everything. You’ve always been there for me, sis.

The reply came almost instantly.

Sam

Don’t be silly. What are sisters for?

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