Page 110 of The Outsider
The look he gave me was so tender, so kind, that I wanted to weep. Instead, I managed to clear the stone of emotion lodged in my throat and said, “You know about my implant, and…it’s why we’ve never had to be careful, right? I can’t get pregnant, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. Theoretically, my implant’s functions can be deactivated remotely, but…it seems unlikely that we’ll find an opportunity to do that.”
I took a breath. “I may never be able to give you children. I didn’t want to talk about it when you proposed, because I was just so happy, but…it seems unfair not to bring it up. Especially since people will wonder eventually.”
“That’s between us,” John said curtly. “Not their business.”
“Maybe. But what about you?” I asked, fidgeting. “I don’t want to take something from you that you really want. If…if you had second thoughts about—”
“Second thoughts?” he interjected sharply, a crease forming between his brows. “You think I didn’t consider this before I asked you to marry me?”
“I don’t know,” I conceded. “But we never discussed it at length before because…well, when we first started sleeping together, we weren’t sure where it was going.”
John huffed, amused.
“Maybe you weren’t,” he said, leaning back on his hands. “After our first time together, I knew I wanted more. My hang-up was thatyoudidn’t seem so keen onme.”
I smiled in spite of myself. “I was. I just didn’t want to think about what that might mean at the time.”
We were quiet for another moment before John put an arm around my shoulders and pulled my bulk against his, laying his head on top of mine.
“What if I couldn’t give you children? It’s possible. I haven’t tested it out, have I?”
A reluctant giggle escaped me. “I guess not.”
There was a keen whistle of wind through the woods, and I shivered.
“Would you not want me anymore, Claire?” John asked quietly. “Not love me anymore?”
A painful lump rose in my throat at the thought.
“Of course I’d still want you,” I whispered.
“Then you already know how I feel.”
He tilted my head back and kissed me, slowly and sweetly. My heart felt all aflutter when we broke apart, and he rested his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and breathing deeply—the way he did during moments he wanted to savour. I allowed my own eyes to flutter closed. I imagined coming back here in the spring, with the wildflowers abloom, the willow tree thick with leaves, and the sun shining. A new place for us to share, to mark our new beginning.
“So, you haven’t dreamed of a family?” I asked after a moment.
John shrugged. “I didn’t have high hopes I’d even get married before you. There was nobody I wanted to do that with. Becoming an outrider was my dream before.”
“And now?”
He kissed my forehead. “Now, my dream is you.”
I sighed as he ran a hand through my hair.
“What do you want?” John asked, reminding me that for the first time, what I wanted actually mattered.
I bit my lip. At the Cave, I’d known that I’d have to apply to have a child one day, and that it was expected of me. I also knew that a group of faceless bureaucrats would be the ones who’d decide for me either way. I’d resigned myself to motherhood the way that one resigns oneself to household chores: necessary, inevitable, unavoidable.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I always just assumed I’d have to. But…I think for now, I want to have a life that’s just about us and the people we love. I want to enjoy our time together, now that we’re not as focused on bare survival.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “Well…if one day, you had our baby, I’d be happy. I’d work hard to be a good husband and father to both of you. But if all I get is to watch you get stronger, sweeter, more beautiful as the years pass…to grow old with you, and know that we spent our lives happy together? That’s more than enough for me.Youare enough for me. You’re everything.”
Happiness swelled inside of me. He was more than I deserved, this man I was marrying. He was more than I’d ever have dared to ask for. My throat ached.
“Damn it, John,” I choked out. “Do you have to be so wonderful?”
He laughed and kissed the top of my head. “You bring it out in me.”
