Page 44 of Joy Guardian

“We’ll wait out the storm here,” I said, unsure if she even heard me.

The dense sand clouds blocked the scorching sunlight. It didn’t make the day any cooler, but my skin didn’t feel like it was burning alive when I removed the top layer of my garment from my head, then arranged it around us to shield us from the wind the best I could.

“Kurai…” she exhaled, rolling her head on my shoulder.

“What is it, sweetheart?”

She pressed her face to the side of my neck, and a wave of her tenderness flooded me through my tendrils. Storm sand blasted the rocks at our backs. But I barely felt it now, embraced by the warmth of her affection. I hugged her shoulders, drawing her closer to me. I wasn’t planning to fall asleep, but exhaustion had worn me down, and Ciana’s measured breathing eventually lured me to sleep.

Something heavy slapped against my face, waking me up. The fabric that I had tied to the rock for shelter gave in under theweight of the accumulated sand. Our mini shelter collapsed, falling on my head.

“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath, lifting the fabric off my face and checking on Ciana.

She stirred against my chest.

“Shhh, sleep. It’s too early still,” I soothed her.

The storm raged full force. Our legs had been buried in the sand completely. It piled up against my side too, all the way up to my shoulder. But the rocks protected us from the worst. Under the fabric of our shelter, I curled my body over Ciana, keeping her safe. But through my tendrils, I felt her growing weaker with every laborious breath she took.

She smiled, finding my hand. As life was slowly trickling out of her, she tried to encourage me,squeezing my hand gently.

“You don’t have to hide behind a smile for me,” I said, running a thumb over her dry lips. “I can feel your sadness. I know how excruciatingly tired you are and how much you just want to go to sleep.”

If she fell asleep again, she might not wake up, I realized, with a sharp stab of anguish.

“I think I’ve outlived my fear, Kurai.” Her voice sounded like a rustle of tall grass in a breeze or sand blowing over a dune. “I’m not even afraid of death. I’ve experienced it all in life. Because of this harness, I’ve felt every emotion under the sun. I have no regrets, whatever happens. Except for one… It really hurts leaving you.”

Her longing tightened around my heart like a noose. My throat closed with sorrow, and my eyes burned with tears that my body had no moisture to produce.

“No… No, Ciana.” I held her closer. “Don’t say it like this…”

Like this was already our goodbye.

“I wish I’d kissed you more often.” Her whisper caressed my skin, tangling in my hair above my temple. “I wish I kissed you ‘like lovers do.’ I wish I did more with you, just like we bothwanted, without fear or doubt. It kills me now that I may never know what it’s like to be with someone like you.”

“With someone like me?” I echoed. “A shadow fae?”

“No, silly.” She chuckled softly, but it turned into a cough in her dry throat. “With a man who cares.”

Through our connection, her affection swept me. It cradled my heart in a special kind of warmth and sweetness that I’d never known before her.

Regret flooded me, too, regret for everything we had missed because of her fear or my misconceptions. All those obstacles that once seemed impenetrable and important suddenly felt insignificant and fleeting in the face of vastness and permanence of death.

Her fingers trembled when she lifted her hand, then slid it to the back of my neck to hug me. I kissed her cheek, her eyes, and her lips. I covered her face with light careful kisses like a brush of a moth wing. But it came with a tsunami of devastating emotions. Her longing was so strong, it twisted my insides.

Desire flared through my blood. It wasn’t painful, like the shadow fae’s mating fever, but warm and tender, with the effervescence of excitement pebbling my skin. And with a need for more…for something I couldn’t name but wanted so intensely.

The storm kept raging all around us, but a far bigger calamity built inside me. I pressed my forehead to her temple, searching for some sense in the hurricane of feelings spinning inside me.

She should be scared and miserable. She was tired, thirsty, and hungry, facing a very real death in the desert. But I felt tenderness and affection in her. I felt desire. And even joy.

Ever since I’d connected my tendrils to Ciana to save her life, I’d subconsciously hoped that as long as I felt no human joy, my vows as the Joy Guardian weren’t broken. I thought there couldn't possibly be any joy while we went through the trials of the desert.

But the joy had always been there. It was the pure elation of our connection. Regardless of what I told myself or of what I wished to believe, I tasted human joy.

I broke my vow.

I’d sinned.

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