Page 65 of Wisteria and Cloves

"That explains a lot," I murmured, a piece of the puzzle clicking into place. "I always wondered why I felt so... distant from everything. Like I was watching life through glass."

Miles reached across the table, his fingers briefly touching my hand. "That wasn't your fault, Lilianna. That was done to you."

"The good news," Julian said, his voice warm with reassurance, "is that many of those effects are reversible once your body adjusts to being off suppressants. Dr. Chen can help us understand what the transition might look like for you."

"If that's what you want," Nicolaus added quickly. "This is entirely your choice. You can continue suppressants if that feels right for you, or explore other options. There's no pressure to make any decisions today."

I nodded, grateful for the reminder that I had choices. "I think... I think I'd like to know all my options.”

The admission surprised me—I hadn't fully realized until this moment that I wanted to explore alternatives. The thought of feeling more present in my own life, of experiencing the full range of emotions that had been muted for so long, was both terrifying and exciting.

"That's a wonderful place to start," Julian said, his smile warm with approval. "Dr. Chen will be able to explain all the options available to you."

Christopher returned to the stove, beginning to clean up the breakfast dishes with his usual methodical care. "And whatever you decide, we'll support you through any transition. Some people experience mood swings or physical changes when adjusting their suppressant regimen."

"Really?" I asked, anxiety flickering through me at the thought of losing control of my emotions.

"It's temporary," Nicolaus assured me, checking his tablet for what I assumed were notes about suppressant withdrawal. "Your body just needs time to remember how to regulate itself naturally," Nicolaus finished, scrolling through his notes. "Most people find the adjustment period lasts a few weeks to a couple of months, depending on how long they've been on suppressants and the dosage."

I pushed my plate away, my appetite diminishing as anxiety took hold. "What if I can't handle it? What if I become... inappropriate, like my mother always said I would?"

Julian's expression grew fierce, though his voice remained gentle. "There is nothing inappropriate about experiencing natural emotions and desires, Lilianna. Your mother was wrong to make you feel ashamed of your own biology."

"But what if I don't know how to control myself?" I pressed, the fear that had been instilled in me for over a decaderising to the surface. "What if I embarrass you, or make you uncomfortable?"

Miles set down his coffee cup, his green eyes serious as they met mine. "Lilianna, we've all experienced what it's like to feel our emotions fully—the highs and lows, the desires and frustrations. It's part of being alive."

"And learning to navigate those feelings is something everyone does," Christopher added, wiping his hands on a dish towel. "It's not about perfect control—it's about understanding yourself and making choices that align with your values."

Nicolaus leaned forward slightly, his analytical mind clearly working through my concerns. "Think of it this way—you've been driving a car with the parking brake engaged for ten years. When that brake is released, the car will respond differently. Not dangerously, just... more fully. More responsively."

I considered his metaphor, finding comfort in its mechanical clarity. "So I might feel more strongly, but that doesn't mean I'll lose control completely?"

"Exactly," Miles spoke up, “Though if you did lose control I don’t think any of us would really complain as long as it was one of us.”

Miles's words sent heat flooding through my cheeks, and I ducked my head to hide my reaction. The casual way he'd suggested that losing control with them might be welcome rather than shameful made my stomach flutter with something I couldn't quite name.

"Miles," Julian said with gentle reproach, though I caught the hint of amusement in his voice. "You're making her blush."

"Sorry," Miles replied, though he didn't sound particularly sorry. "I just meant that we wouldn't judge you for having natural reactions. Quite the opposite, actually."

Julian cleared his throat, shooting Miles a look that was part exasperation, part fondness. "What Miles is trying to say, inhis characteristically blunt way, is that we want you to feel comfortable expressing yourself. Whatever that may look like for you."

I peeked up from behind my hair, finding all four of them watching me with expressions that held warmth rather than judgment. Nicolaus's analytical gaze had softened, Christopher's smile was gentle and encouraging, and Julian's hazel eyes held a protective tenderness that made my chest tight. Miles looked entirely unrepentant, his green eyes dancing with mischief that somehow made me feel less fragile.

"I've never thought about it that way," I admitted quietly, my fingers finding the kintsugi stone in my pocket. "The idea that my reactions might be... welcomed instead of shameful."

"Of course they would be welcome," Julian said firmly, his voice carrying absolute conviction. "Whatever you feel, however you express it—as long as it's genuine, it's beautiful to us."

The weight of his words settled over me like a warm blanket.

Nicolaus checked his watch again, his practical nature reasserting itself. "We should probably start getting ready to leave soon. Do you need anything before we go?"

I touched the folder he'd given me last night, which I'd brought downstairs and placed beside my plate. "Should I bring this? The safety document?"

"If you'd like," Julian said, standing to carry his empty plate to the sink. "Dr. Chen might have useful insights to add, especially regarding physical and emotional responses during any transition period. But it's entirely your choice."

I considered this, running my finger along the folder's edge. "I think I will. It might help me remember what to ask about."

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