His words echoed in my ears before the darkness finally dragged me under.
***
Ashley
“Can I sleep in Uncle Smoke’s bed?” I asked Kay. The men had been gone for over eight hours and I could tell by the worried looks and heavy silence that it wasn’t normal for a job. If it hadn’t been for the pain medicine Auntie Kay had given me, I probably would have been up all night tossing and turning.
“You can, sweet girl. Go brush your teeth and potty and I’ll be up to tuck you in, okay?” Auntie Kay answered.
I felt like she only sent me upstairs by myself so she could talk to Allyson and Eloise alone. I headed in the direction of the stairs, but couldn’t make my legs lift to go up them. It was like quicksand held me in place. My heart pounded and butterflies danced in my tummy. Biting my lip, I shifted foot to foot. Eavesdropping was so naughty, but I wanted, no,neededto know what was going on.
I crept to hide behind the big armoire in the downstairs landing. Tilting my head and trying to quiet my breathing, I listened.
“Daddy’s never been gone this long before, Auntie Kay,” Eloise said. Her voice trembled and my own lip quivered.
“I know, Little one,” Kay said gently. “I know it must be so hard for you when they’re gone.”
“I hate it,” Allyson said. “And then I hate myself for being so selfish.”
I knew what she meant. Earlier, guilt had slammed into me with the force of a linebacker. What Dawson was doing was so noble, but so fucking scary too. He could be hurt or even killed. Then what would I do? I didn’t think I could ever live without him again.
“I feel guilty too. Billy would have killed me if Daddy hadn’t killed him first and I know Daddy is protecting other people like me, but I just wish he could stay home and stay safe,” Eloise said.
“It’s perfectly normal for you to feel that way, Little ones. I adore your big hearts and admire you for wanting to protect others, but if I was in your shoes, I’d want to know my Daddy was safe too,” Kay said.
Her words made me feel better. She wasn’t a Little, but I appreciated that she could sympathize with what we were feeling.
“You would, Auntie Kay?” Eloise asked.
She chuckled deep and warm. It was almost harmonic and it helped ease some of the tension out of my body. “Do you want to know a secret?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” they answered. I imagined their heads were bobbing up and down as they waited for her to share.
“I don’t like that your Daddies do this. I think that it’s beautifully dark. I admire their loyalty. I’m grateful for their bravery, and their willingness to step in when others have stepped out, especially the justice system, but I’m very angry with them for their choices to work in such dangerous situations.”
“You are?” Allyson asked, her voice almost disbelieving.
“I think that for a long time your Daddies didn’t have anything to live for and doing these jobs made them feel something other than anger. Maybe in some sort of way they felt like they were getting vengeance from those that hurt them in the past, but neither of those things are the truth. Your Daddies need to live for the people that love them. Me. Leland. Their clients and the community. Deep down, I don’t think they fully realize how much they mean to the people around them. And nothing is going to take away the hurt they feel about the past. Eloise, nothing your Daddy does will ever erase the mental scars his father left on him from all the years of abuse he endured at his hands. Allyson, your Daddy will always carry some anger in his heart at the bastard who killed his mother. But what they’re doing now isn’t going to heal those wounds for either of them.”
The other two Littles were quiet, probably digesting all her words of wisdom.
“But my biggest fear is that they’re going to create their own trauma with you girls. If they were killed during one of these jobs, they would leave you with the scars they’re currently living with. Their anger would become yours, not in the same way, but it would still be very heavy for you to carry. You’d grieve their deaths. You’d feel anger with the people that took them from you. You’d have gaping holes in your stories that were only filled by them. And as much as I love all three of them, I’m very close to throwing them over my knee and whipping all of their asses. They’re so busy chasing the past, they’re missing their futures.”
Wow, Auntie Kay was so wise.
“I fully plan to talk to them about this, but that’s going to be a grown-up talk away from Little ears. What’s important tonight is that you know Aunie Kay is here and that she's very proud of you for how brave you were for Ashley. She’s very new to this world and you worked very hard to keep her from knowing it wasn’t normal for a job to run this long. Normally, we wouldn’tkeep things from friends, but she’s been through a lot in the past several hours and you were very wise in your choice to keep her from being stressed out.”
I was touched at how thoughtful Eloise and Allyson were toward me. I knew they were scared, but it meant so much to me that they tried to keep me from being worried.
“I’m going to give Ashley some medicine and tuck her in and then I’ll come back and snuggle you two on the couch until your Daddies get back, okay?”
I scrambled up the steps before I heard their replies. I hoped our Daddies would be back safe and sound, and soon.
Chapter Nine
Smoke
“Son of a bitch.” I groaned as Layton dug around in my shoulder.