Page 82 of Matched Up

I felt terrible.For so long I’d seen Mum as this kind of superfluous part of our family.Like she was just there to be nice.But I couldn’t have been more wrong.I thought back to when she’d told me about her tennis and for the first time, I truly understood how hard it must have been to tell me, and how she’d just been trying to protect me.

Wrong about Mum, wrong about Niall, who actually still seemed to care about me.What else was I wrong about?

29

Mum came into my room the next morning and opened my blinds.

‘Morning, love.I gave one of the girls from yoga a call.She’s a sports physio and she’s going to come out and help you next week, but for now you need lots of rest and ice.’

I winced at the pain in my calf.

‘I brought you painkillers,’ Mum said, and I reached for them.‘If you need any help getting dressed, let me know,’ she said, before leaving.

I pulled on shorts and a Man United shirt.I opened my laptop and turned on Aitana Bonmatí’s best moments, but I had to turn it off.It was too depressing.

A knock on my door.

‘Can I come in?’Niall’s voice.

‘Yeah.’

He walked in and sat on my bed, looking at his hands rather than me.‘You didn’t have to tell them, you know.’

‘The party?Of course I did.I couldn’t let you take the fall for my stupid decisions.’

‘I’ve been kind of worried about you,’ Niall said.Andthen he did look at me, his forehead creased, his expression sincere.

‘Worried?Why?’

‘The way you’ve been acting.The training, it was so much.It was part of the reason I didn’t want to tell you about me and Megan.I knew it would drive you crazy.I’m sorry.If I’ve done any of this, I’m sorry.’

I shook my head, as all the feelings I’d been holding on to for so long came bubbling thick and fast to the surface.

‘It’s not you.It’s not anybody.It’sme.Do you know how hard I try?For everything?It’s fucking exhausting.And still,still, I’ll never be as good at football or as clever as Megan.I’m a fucking failure in every single part of my life.That’s what’s going on with me and I guess I feel like we drifted apart or something.’I moved my leg and recoiled in pain.

‘Lexie, are you serious?Do you know how many times I’ve wished I was more like you?How much you try?I just get to a certain point and then I quit.And you might be jealous of Megan, but I’ve been jealous of you for a really long time.The way Dad looks at you?How well you do at school?I wish I could stick at things the way you do.And I guess, I dunno, I felt like I’ve been losing you too.’He shrugged, embarrassed, and looked away again.

‘Jealous of me?’I asked, so confused.

‘Yeah, Lexie, jealous of you.Jealous of your boyfriend.I was going to really try this year, so Dad would think I was class, but then he showed up and blew me out of the water.’

The mention of Shane made my heart sink.‘You were horrible to him.’

Niall nodded his head.‘Yep, I was.And it wasn’t me.Like, it didn’t feel like something I would do, be a dick to someone I don’t know.I just wanted to feel better than someone or something.’

It was sad seeing Niall like this.Hating himself.That feeling was usually reserved for me.

‘Well, he’s gone now, so you don’t need to worry about that.’

‘Megan told me what happened between you two.I’m sorry.I guess you really liked him?’

I didn’t have any warning.More tears spilled from my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them.‘I loved him, Niall.I loved him and he’s gone.He wouldn’t tell me why he had to keep leaving.Am I that hard to talk to?What’s wrong with me?’

‘Nothing’s wrong with you.Everybody loves you and nobody wants to hurt you.Maybe he was worried about how you’d react if he told you whatever it is.Because he didn’t want to make you feel worse than you clearly do.’

I wiped my eyes and stared at the crutches that were leaning against my bed.‘Was it that obvious?’

‘Even to me,’ he said.

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