Page 72 of Don Caselli

I knew how Antwan was when he was drunk, and he wasn’t drunk. “High though.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to go on without her?” His voice cracked, and I looked over at him.

This wasn’t my ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart, this was Antwan. The boy who always came onto my block and wanted to show off how good he was when it came to playing ball. The same Antwan who would see my mother carrying groceries and take them from her. Ms. Benita had attendedmy fifth-grade graduation because my mother had to work and couldn’t take off.

“You are not going to lose her, Ant. Stop even thinking like that.” I reached over and grabbed his hand.

He continued to drive, and I saw the direction he was going. “She’s in the hospital, Nav. In the fucking hospital and talking aboutif it’s her time.”

“Your mother always talks like that. She’s been talking like that since we were younger. God isn’t going to take her from you, not right now. You need her the most right now.”

I wanted to be petty and mention his journey to fatherhood and decided to leave it alone. He was concerned about losing his mother and this wasn’t the time to act on my own emotions. I watched as he parked in front of the buildings across from Prospect Park.

Our spot.

He leaned his head back and stared straight ahead. “Shit seem like she not just talking anymore… like this shit gonna happen.”

“What are the doctors saying?”

He shrugged. “I left once she started talking crazy. All this stress is on me, and I can’t breathe at times. When did life become so hard for us?”

“When we became adults,” I replied softly.

One day you were eating ice cream on a stoop and your biggest problem was what movie you would watch before bed. Then you were shoved into adulthood with bills, big problems, and bad decisions.

“Shit fucking sucks.”

“Not for you. You’re going to the pros and becoming a father. Your mother is going to be there to witness all of that.”

My stomach turned when I thought about the fact that I was pregnant. Sitting in this car with him, and this could be his baby. Nothing inside of me wanted to tell Antwan that I was pregnant.

It wasn’t his business.

“I’m sorry, Nav.”

“No, you’re not. I didn’t come with you to discuss our past because it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It matters.”

“How?”

“Cause I can’t just turn off loving you, Navy. I think about you all the time and wish I could rewind time. Make things right with us and have that life we always wanted.”

“Youwanted,” I corrected.

“We.”

This is why we could never work things out. Antwan listened to what Antwan wanted. All he could think about was the life that he built for us, never what we both wanted for our future.

Greene: Where are you?

I looked at the text that Greene had sent me. “You good?”

“Yeah.”

He was in his head and thinking of everything. I could tell whenever he was going over shit inside that mind of his. “Greene texted me to head to my grandparents.”

“You think you can ever forgive me, Nav?”

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