Page 69 of Don Caselli

She was still dressed in her work clothes and tossed her purse onto the empty chair. “Mommy, what are you doing here?”

“If you thought I wouldn’t have come to this appointment, you’re nuts. This is important to you, so it’s important to me.”

I wanted to cry as I looked into my mother’s eyes. “What about you?”

I had a hard time with worrying about everyone else, except what I wanted. This was something that I wanted, but I couldn’t help but to think I was ruining my parents’ chance at becoming grandparents.

They’ve never expressed the desire to be grandparents, but what if they woke up one day and resented me because I never gave them any grandchildren? This decision didn’t only fuck with me; it fucked with their lives, too.

She grabbed my hand and rubbed the back of it. “Me and your father will be alright if we don’t have grandchildren, Navy. We made the decision to have a child, and I would have hated if that decision was ever taken from us. You don’t want to have children and that is your right. Who the hell are we to tell you what to do with your body?”

“Thanks, Mommy.”

She lifted my hand and kissed the back of it a few times. “Anytime, baby. I do have one question, though.”

“Yes?”

“Have you had this conversation with Landon?”

“No.”

I wanted to tell Landon about me getting my tubes removed, and I was scared at the same time. What if he wanted to pause what we had going on because he wanted children? He was a billionaire, so I was sure he had to keep his bloodline going on.

Aside from that, maybe he wanted children. He seemed like he would want to celebrate Father’s Day and make little cute versions of himself. “I will eventually.”

“Baby, before either of your feelings get more invested, and your father takes another damn picture with that Bentley, you need to be honest and tell him what your plan has always been.”

Antwan never took the news well. Every denial was met with him smiling with joy because my plan wouldn’t come together. He was always open about wanting children, and how I was ruining his plans.

“Antwan is having a child.”

“He’s told me.”

I snapped my head in her direction. “He told you?”

She sighed. “Came by the house after you tossed him out. Said that he wanted it to come from him, and that he never meant to hurt you.”

“Fuck him,” I muttered.

“I told him about himself and sent him on his way. Love Antwan, but you not about to come and tell me you cheated and now you have a baby with the woman you cheated with. I wished him well and told him about himself in the same breath.”

I laughed. “He’s been calling me like crazy so we can talk and I’ve avoided him.”

My mother kissed my head. “You don’t have to answer to him at all. However, for closure, hear what he has to say and let him hear what you have to say. No screaming and hollering, just words and letting him know how you feel… then move on.”

“Navy Bleu Perkins.” I heard my name called and froze.

You ever wanted something so bad that you were scared? Not because you knew it was a mistake, but because you didn’t want to hear the wrong thing. I didn’t want to hear that no word. I purposely made my annual GYN appointment with her, so that we could discuss this, and I was afraid.

My mother pulled me up and we made our way to the back. The medical assistant asked a few questions, handed me a cup, and told me to undress from the waist down. Mommy assisted in the women’s tradition of hiding the panties in your clothes. As if they weren’t about to look into our entire inside.

There was a small bathroom right off the exam room, so I quickly peed in the cup, sat it on the sink and returned to the exam table. The nurse quickly came into the room to collect the cup, as me and my mother made small talk.

“You know your grandparents pushed up the birthday block party?”

“Nana told me.”

Since I was going out the country, my grandparents still wanted to throw me a party. It was a tradition at this point and would feel weird if we didn’t have it. I knew it was something my family looked forward to doing. I needed something to take my mind off everything, and the party was the right thing to do that.

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