Page 98 of Don Caselli

“Can I be honest?”

“Thought we were.”

“I’ve been wanting this surgery for so long and kept getting a bunch of doors slammed in my face. Now that it’s happening, it’s because I’m getting an abortion, too. I’m second guessing myself real hard right now.”

“About what?”

“Do I want to get them tied?”

I stared at her fighting this silent battle of confusion in her head. “Why are you second guessing yourself, Bleu?”

“You.”

“What?”

Tears slid down her face. “You are the reason I’m second guessing. I don’t want children, and it has been something I’ve stood my ground on. Then I meet you and I think about you… I think about what’s fair to you and your bloodline.”

“Don’t think of me and my bloodline. I would never want you to consider me while being unfair to yourself and what you want. I would never make you have children for the sake of mybloodline. My brother is married, and has a son, our bloodline is secured.” I wiped the tears from her face.

She reached up and rubbed my face. “I think of maybe a little you mixed with me, and it makes me sick.”

“Pooh, why in the fuck would you even have a kid if the thought makes you sick?”

She started laughing. “No, you make me sick… because I never wanted or thought of this.”

“What are you saying? You wanna keep the baby?”

“Oh, God, no,” she blurted.

“Damn.”

“Sorry.” She snorted. “I don’t want to keep this baby, and I don’t know if I’ll want kids later down the line. I do want the option if I decide to change my mind. Ifwedecide to change our mind.”

I rubbed her face and kissed her lips slowly. “I’ll get a vasectomy.”

“Excuse you?”

“It’s like a ten-minute procedure for me and I’m awake. You already have to go under; I don’t want you having that extra pressure on you.”

She reached up and grabbed my face. “I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“You not asking me to do it… I’m offering. Bleu, I want you. If this is what I have to do to protect us, I’ll do the shit.”

“Why do I feel guilty?”

“Cause you in your head thinking you’re forcing me. I’m straight and can handle it. I’m the reason you were put in this position… running up in you raw without thinking.”

“My fault, too.”

“Doesn’t matter. We both know that we don’t want to be parents right now. It would be selfish to welcome that child into this world knowing we don’t want this.”

“Yeah.”

I pulled her into my arms and hugged her tightly. “Thank you.”

She pulled back. “For?”

“Today.”

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