Page 71 of Don Caselli

My chest felt like it was about to cave in listening to her words. Everything she spoke about sounded like a blur, as she did my examination. Once she was done, she washed her hands and continued to give me the run-down of everything. Thankfully, my mother was here because I didn’t hear a word she said.

As I made my next appointment, and we left the office to go to the train, my mother stopped walking and grabbed my hand. “Navy, talk to me.”

“How stupid was I? Having sex with two men during the same time… putting myself at risk like diseases don’t exist!” I screamed, as tears fell from my face. “A baby? A pregnancy! I never wanted any of this, Mommy!”

In the middle of Myrtle Avenue, I screamed out feeling so overwhelmed and stupid. I’ve always been someone who had control over my life and knew what I was doing. Even when I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing, I still knew what I was doing.

“Baby, you’re not stupid. You are a young woman who got caught up in life. Doesn’t mean that you are stupid or reckless.”

I looked at her. “How can you be so calm or understanding when I made an appointment to kill your grandchild?”

“Because you are my baby. I’m worried aboutmybaby, not the baby inside of you. I never want you to be anything that you don’t want to be. Having a grandchild at the expense of my daughter’s feelings and well-being is not what I want.”

She roped her fingers into mine. “I’ll make you some soup and we can climb into the bed until your father gets home.”

To be Caribbean was to know that no matter how hot it was outside, you were gonna have some soup. It didn’t matter that it was nearly ninety degrees outside, my mother was going to make soup, and I was going to eat it because it was normal to us.

“What am I going to do about this trip?”

“Your surgery and pre-op testing aren’t immediate. Go on the trip and enjoy yourself, Navy. When you come back, then you face everything. Babe, you deserve to have some fun with your friends.”

“I wouldn’t go as far to say that London is a friend,” I mumbled.

“Whatever, child. Come on, it’s hot as hell out here.” She held my hand as we made our way to the train.

I lookedin the mirror at my outfit for the party my grandparents were throwing me. The cut-up Levi jean shorts, white basic tank top, and my favorite pair of Converse was simple enough to enjoy the night. I wanted to stay crawled up in bed like I had been for the past few days. My mood had been blah, and I really didn’t want to attend at all. Greene had been calling me all morning to make sure that I was going to come.

I felt so stupid.

The one thing I had been looking forward to was going out the country with London. When she texted me earlier this week and told me it was pushed back, I was annoyed. Annoyed because that was something to take my mind off everything, and now I had to face reality.

The reality that I had put myself in this situation. Pregnant with a baby and I didn’t know who the father was. Even with me choosing to get rid of the baby, it still bothered me because that wasn’t me. I wasn’t the kind of woman that just opened herself to multiple men.

Was I too easy?

All Don had to do was pay me some attention and I was ready to give him every part of me. How could I even pretend to resist him when he kept appearing everywhere? The man had this swag about him that couldn’t be denied. The way he walked into a room commanded everyone’s attention. His smile, and his swag was just so damn ugh. Landon wasn’t trying to cosplay as being hood or pretending to fit in and be the good guy. He was a good guy that wasn’t afraid to show that he came from money, and he enjoyed having it.

Recommendation: Listen to “Player’s Prayer” by Lloyd.

I enjoyed that he wasn’t the kind of rich guy who tried to act like things weren’t no big deal. When he spoke about shit, it wasn’t a big deal to him because he was used to it. I didn’t understand how I could be with Antwan all these years and not feel this kind of connection. Why didn’t my heart leap out my chest whenever he was around? Or why didn’t I crave to be in his space? Mint Condition “So Fine” played on a loop whenever I saw him.

The horn pulled me out of my thoughts as I came out the corner store. I looked at the Escalade confused until the window rolled down. Antwan’s ugly ass face appeared, and I wanted to scream. Alright, he wasn’t ugly, but everything about him right now was ugly to me. Staring right into his face, I continued to walk toward my destination, as he drove alongside me. Cars were beeping to get around him, and he kept cruising because he wanted some attention from me.

“Is this really how we going to play games?”

I stopped in the middle of the block, allowing an older woman to pass me with a shopping cart filled with laundry.Antwan put his hazards on and looked at me while I stood there with my hands on my hips.

“You admit to cheating on me and getting your bitch pregnant and got the nerve to say I’m playing games. Antwan, you can suck ya mutha!”

He took a deep sigh. “My moms, Navy. She not doing good.”

I paused because Ms. Benita was a good woman and had always looked out for me. She had been sick for a few years but was always pushing through. She kept her head held high so much that you often forgot that she was sick. Her main goal was to make sure her boy remained out the street and was able to follow his dreams. Every time we spoke, she mentioned that was her goal before she passed away, I always became sad.

As angry as I was with Antwan, this was his mother. Looking both ways, I quickly jogged across the street to the car. He popped the locks, and I climbed into the front seat. Soon as I did, he pulled away.

The smell of weed attacked my nostrils, and the thermos cup sat in the cup holder. I would have assumed it was water, but I could smell the liquor. “Antwan, are you drunk?”

“Nah. I had a sip before I left my mom’s crib… wouldn’t pick you up drunk, Navy,” he assured me and despite his track record, I believed him.

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