Page 14 of My Grumpy Mountain Man

As we play, she talks a bit about life in the city and some of her favorite things about being a teacher.

When we finish the second game, she drops the cards and I sense her gaze on my face. I'm actually looking at her for the first time in a couple of hours. She seems lost. Hurt.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

All my attempts at hiding my insecurities have been fruitless.

How can I say I'm so jealous it hurts? I'm an adult, I should be more in control of my feelings. But no. I've never had to deal with such powerful feelings before and I'm deeply unprepared for it.

Chapter 10 - Bethany

He doesn't answer me and I think I know the answer to that question. Because it's always the same answer. I've heard it over and over again.

“I'm being too much, right?”

Marcus seems to hesitate. I shift my eyes to the place where I dropped my bag last night. I need to go. Before my heart is wrenched from my chest, I need to guarantee I can salvage at least a few pieces. I grab the cards so I can arrange them in their box, I'm trying to be as fast as I can. I need to call the taxi too. So I don't spend much time waiting.

“Fuck. No, Bethany. Don’t go. What are you saying? You're not being too much. You're never too much for me. What made you think that?”

I'm trying my best to keep my tears in check. My eyes hurt with the strain but I don't want to look even more difficult to handle.

“I can see you're not happy. You're grumpier than usual and I've been here talking way too much. I should go. You don't need me breathing down your neck. There'll be no access to thelake anyway. I thought… I thought I could stay, but I don't want to be a burden.”

“What? You're not a burden.”

Marcus gets closer and I take a step back in response. If he's too close, the tears I’m holding might get out.

“Fuck fuck fuck. I hate that I'm this socially inept guy. I hate failing you.” He rubs his beard too hard, almost like he's punishing himself.

“I'm insecure. And I want you all to myself. That's all it was. I knew Damon would never hit on you but you were so happy talking with him and he's so much better at talking with people. He lives an isolated life and enjoys his privacy too but he's not like a stray dog who never talks with anyone. And fuck I was just imagining you with him and you'd be so much happier. And I can't ever offer that, can I?”

I want to say something, but I know he isn't done.

“I love you Bethany.”

My eyes widen at the unwavering way he says that.

“I’m sorry. I needed to say it. You’re going to leave and, for all the time I’ve spent not saying things, now it feels so important that I do. I will love you until my last breath. And that makes me such an incredibly insecure person because I want you so much but there’s nothing I can offer you. You’re so amazing, there’s no way I want to drag you down in some way. So no, you’re not a burden. In fact, you’re the opposite of it. You make me feel light, like you’re carrying part of me with your cheerful conversation. I love how curious you’re about everything and how opinionated you’re when you know about a subject. And I also love that you’re stubborn. Being the grumpthat I am, it's the closest quality you have in common with me, so I guess I like how you’re also set in your ways when you want to be.”

“I don’t want you to get tired of me,” I confess, starting with what hurts me the most.

“Sunshine, there’s nothing you can do for me to get tired of you. I love to see you talk–”

“Even when I’m always talking about something stupid?”

“You’re never talking about something stupid. Understanding you, it's an intricate puzzle I will always want to put together.”

“It’s just… I always feel people are eager to shut me up. Some people mention that being around me is exhausting.”

I look down at my feet, I’ve never really talked about this with anyone, it feels incredibly raw.

Marcus gets closer, grabbing my hand and then holding my chin, it’s tender and rough at the same time, the way he’s holding it. He tilts my chin so I’m looking at those dark eyes of his.

“Those people, sunshine? They didn’t deserve your friendship or your love. If anything, being around you is intoxicating. It’s addictive. Can't you see how wonderful you are? How full of life people become when they’re around you?" His forehead is full of wrinkles, his eyes soft and kind. “Tell me you believe me, tell me you’re not exhausting."

I hesitate and then whisper, “I’m not exhausting.”

“Now say it like you mean it.”

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