Page 96 of Hard To Leave

“Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.”

He nodded his head and walked past me, leaving me no choice but to trail behind him. “How come you didn’t use your key?”

“I wasn’t sure if I had the right to do that anymore.”

His steps faltered, and his back stiffened. This forced conversation was killing me.

“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked, flicking on a couple light switches and throwing his keys onto the counter.

“Water is fine. Thanks.”

I dropped down on the couch and glanced around the room. So many memories were made in this little house. Even though it’s only been a little over a week, it seemed like another lifetime ago. Jack placed a glass of ice water in front of me and popped the top off his Corona.

He studied me from across the room. He looked as awful as I felt. “Were you ever planning on telling me?”

I took a sip of my water and set it down. I guess we were really doing this.

“I thought about it…many times.” I ran my hands down my jeans and met his eyes. He looked like he didn’t believe me. “I was scared.”

All the excuses I’ve made to justify my actions seemed irrelevant now. In the beginning, I didn’t know if we would last, and as time went on, I just didn’t know how to tell him. It seemed like I could never find the right time, words, or reasons.

Keeping the truth from him was more about protecting Tanner than anything else. I never really thought too much about how much it would hurt him until it was too late.

“Why were you scared?” he asked, and I wanted to see the fight in his eyes, but all I saw was defeat, and it killed me.

“Because I knew it would change things between us.” My bottom lip trembled as I continued. “I lied to you, Jack. I lied to everyone.”

“That’s what I don’t get.” The feeling of betrayal was so strong in his voice. “Why did you lie to me?”

“Maybe it will be easier for you to understand if I start from the beginning.”

I leaned back and pushed a hand through my hair. Everything that made sense to me all those years ago no longer did.

“Brogan and I were already broken up by the time I found out I was pregnant. His career was just starting to take off, and he was making decisions and living a life that I was not okay with. He was drinking, doing drugs, living on a tour bus, glob-trotting across the world.” I peeked my eyes up at him. “I wasn’t going to bring my baby into that world. As time went on and he became more famous, the more reckless he seemed to get. I did what I thought was best for my son at the time.”

Jack folded his arms across his chest. “You could have told me all this.”

A tear slid down my cheek. “I’m sorry, Jack, but when should I have told you? The only person who knew the truth besides me was Carly. My own parents don’t even know. Our relationship was new, and telling you that my son’s father was a big country superstar wasn’t a great conversation starter. It wasn’t something I wanted to share with the world.”

He closed his eyes; his entire face was scrunched in pain. “Did you not trust me?”

“Of course I trusted you. I was more afraid of hurting you. I was trying to protect you.”

He cut me off. “Oh no, you don’t.” He pointed his finger at me. “You were trying to protect yourself. Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying!” I cried. “I fell in love with you. I was afraid to tell you the truth. I was terrified of how you would feel because I knew that my lie would hurt you. I learned first-hand through your interactions with your mother how important trust and the truth were to you. I couldn’t risk losing you.” I laughed at the irony, but there was nothing funny about this situation. “I guess that didn’t matter though, did it?” I stared at him while the silent tears rolled down my chin. “I lost you anyway.”

Jack rested his head against the wall. There was so much hurt and broken trust lingering between us that it scared me.

“I don’t even knowwhat to say.” His eyes locked on mine. “I’m so fucking confused right now. I don’t feel like I can trust you.” He sounded frustrated. “And if I can’t trust you, then we have nothing!” He stepped toward me. “I would have stood by your side. I would have found a way to deal with the fallout, but you never gave me the fucking chance to try.”

I’ve lived with the guilt all these years. I’ve struggled with trying to forgive myself over these past few days. But there was no excuse good enough for him.

“I’m sorry you had to find out the way you did. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.”

He was standing so close, yet he seemed so very far away. My eyes searched his for something to hold onto. Some sign that everything would be okay. But I was met with an empty stare. And that killed me.

“What happened after I left?”

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