Page 82 of Hard To Leave

I closed my eyes while my mind traveled back to the night, relaying a memory that I wished I could forget. It was the night that sealed our fate.

“Your band was playing at the Mercy Lounge. I had driven nine hours that day and was exhausted by the time I got there, so I checked into a cheap hotel and took a nap. I figured it would give you time to finish your set, and I would meet up with you after the concert.”

“I remember playing there.” His face pinched in concentration. “You’re going to have to refresh my memory because I don’t remember you ever showing up after the concert.”

Oh, I remembered perfectly. I remembered the smell of cigarette smoke and body sweat lingering the dark, dingy hallway. I remembered the song that was playing on stage and the loud voices and beer bottles scattered everywhere I turned. And I’ll never forget the way my heart felt when I walked into that room and saw him on the couch with those two groupies. I remembered it all.

“You never saw me.”

He leaned forward and rested his arms on his legs. “Forgive me for being dense here, but I’m confused. Can you please get to the point where I can understand why you didn’t tell me you were pregnant with my kid?”

“I found you backstage, Brogan. Six weeks after we broke up and I found you with two damn whores.” My voice was mixed with fury and disbelief. “Did you really want me crashing your little party of three? What was I supposed to do, walk over and hand you the yellow baby booties that I had in my purse and interrupt your blow job? Or should it have been when your face was buried between the legs of the other slut? Tell me when?”

I watched all the color drain from his face. “You saw that?”

“Oh, you remember now? Good, because I’ll never be able to forget.”

He plowed his hands through his hair. “I was so fucked up. I went from being a nobody singer to a country star in three point five seconds flat. I was struggling with our breakup, trying to manage all the pressure.” My heart squeezed at the thought of him having to deal with all that on his own. “The drugs helped me deal with everything, made me forget how much it hurt that you were gone.” His eyes found mine. “I’m sorry you saw that, but that doesn’t give you the right to do what you did. To decide whether or not I would ever get to know my son.”

Tears burned my eyes. The doubt and the remorse that I’ve carried around with me hit me full force.

“I know that now. I’m sorry, I am so sorry, but I was trying to protect our baby. The life you were living back then wasn’t the ideal world to raise a child in, Brogan.”

He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “Who the hell are you to decide that on your own? He’s my goddamned son too!” he shouted, throwing his hands up in the air. “This is bullshit. I’ve missed almost eight years with my kid all because your feelings got hurt. Because you were fucking jealous.”

I snapped, eight years of anger came rolling off of me. “Fuck you!” I spat, standing up and meeting his glare. “I did what I thought was best for our child.”

“What was best?” He laughed. “Are you kidding me? Explain to me how lying to him and keeping him away from his father all these years was best for him?”

“I watched your career in the beginning, and I listened to the radio. I know about the multi DWIs, the three trips to rehab. The family you almost killed when you flipped your Ferrari off the side of the highway. I kept waiting and waiting for you to turn your life around, but behind every top ten single there would be another disaster.”

His jaw ticked, and I thought I saw steam coming out of his ears. “I don’t care what the industry rags reported or what you thought of me. I’ve had my shit together for the past two years. Your excuses aren’t good enough.”

I could have continued to fight with him, to defend my decisions, my actions, but he was right. I made a mistake, a big one, and I’ve never felt so fearful in my entire life. I knew someday my secret would come out, and now it was time to beg for forgiveness.

“I know you hate me. And you have every right to feel hurt. I realize now that I handled things wrong, but please, I’m begging you, don’t take him from me.”

My sobs ripped through me, tearing apart my insides. “Please, Brogan, I can’t lose him. I will do anything. Anything.” I broke down and fell to my knees. It finally hit me that this was really happening. I did this. I ruined everything. And now I could lose my son.

Tanner was my entire existence. My reason for living. There is no way I would be able to endure losing him and still come out on the other side. It would kill me, and I would sell my soul to keep him. I struggled to catch my breath as devastation crashed around me. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn.

Brogan walked over and kneeled in front of me. His strong hand pressed against my face. “Is that what you think?” His voice was much softer. “That I’m going to take him from you?”

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was sob. Brogan pulled me into his arms and held me tight while my tears soaked his chest.

His arms felt strange, yet comforting at the same time. His chest was wider than I remembered, his arms were bigger, and the sound of his voice was deeper—all the reminders that we were both kids when this happened. But the scent of his soap was the same. The way he curled his fingers into the back of my hair and held me to his chest reminded of all the times he’d held me like this before everything changed. For a split second, I wanted to go back in time. To when we were just two, young teenagers without a care in the world.

“There were so many times I wanted to tell you, but I was scared. I was scared that you would hate me and want to hurt me. I was scared about how you would react.”

He pulled back with his strong hands framing my face .“I could never hate you.” He gently rubbed his thumbs back and forth along my cheeks. “Not even if I tried.” His eyes glistened with unshed tears. “We have a son?”

I wiped my eyes and stared into the face of the man who still lived in a little corner of my heart. “We do. And he’s amazing.”

He inhaled deeply. “I would have been there for you. I would have stopped everything. Regardless of what you think of me, I would have put the two of you first.”

“Brogan, you might have tried, but let’s be honest. You were so caught up in that life I’m not so sure that would have been true.”

He cringed. “You can’t believe that.”

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