Page 47 of Hard To Leave

I hated hurting her like this, but these truths had been buried deep for so long that I could no longer keep them down. She was the reason that I was so fucked up when it came to relationships. It was no wonder I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you have no right to judge me. You may think you do, but you don’t know anything about my marriage to your father.”

I laced my hands behind my head and started to frantically pace the room. “You see, Mother, there is this thing called a marriage, where two people stand before God and promise to love, honor, and be faithful. Surely you remember your wedding vows, right?”

The tears continued to fall, but her face remained stoic. She looked like the fight had been taken out of her. I almost felt sorry for her until she decided to open her mouth. “Your father was a good provider and a great father, but he was not a good husband. I don’t expect you to understand this, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough.”

She wiped her frail hands across her face. “Your father made choices. He chose his business over me!” she shouted, slamming her hand against her chest. “He was never around, and when he was here physically, he was on the phone or working on the computer. Jack, I had needs, and your father didn’t change or care enough to meet them. In either case, we started to grow apart, but the needs didn’t go away.”

“I don’t want to hear about the lack of intimacy that you guys had, but if you had issues in your marriage, or if you felt neglected, you should have said something.”

“We talked about it a million times, but nothing ever changed. Even when he did try, it wasn’t good enough.” My mouth hung open. I wasn’t even sure what the hell to say to that. “His company came first, and I came second, always. It was that simple.”

I just stared at her and shook my head. I was confused as fuck on what to say. She was the same woman who would make me homemade chicken noodle soup when I was sick and take me out for ice-cream after every doctor’s appointment. The same woman who raised me, nurtured me, and was always there for me during my younger years. But as I got older, that all changed. She became distant and withdrawn. Cold may have been a better word.

Logically, no one understands exactly what goes on between two people in a marriage. But the young boy in me could never understand how the two people he loved most in the world could be so miserable together. When I was young, I tried not to think about it, but that became impossible as I got older. I couldn’t help but feel like this was somehow my fault. Maybe if I weren’t around, they would have just left each other and found their own happiness. Maybe I was the one who should have been in therapy.

The frail woman in front of me stared down at her hands. She fisted her wedding ring around her own finger before looking back up to meet my eyes. “I loved your father, and yes, I remember our vows. He knew I would never leave him, so changing to try to save our marriage was never a priority for him.”

“So, you stayed because of the money, right?” I threw my hands out wide. “You stayed so you wouldn’t have to give all this up.”

“I stayed for you, Jack. I stayed because a child needs stability and security. I never worked a day in my life. I have no skill to offer an employer. How could I have taken care of you on my own if I couldn’t even take care of myself?”

I stared at her with tears blurring my vision and so much conflict in my heart that I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel.

I wanted to muster up the compassion she was seeking, yet I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. All the men, the booze, and the neglect came rushing back, preventing me from giving her the understanding she needed. I loved my mother, I did, but her actions cut too deep. I took a step back and closed my eyes. My entire life felt like a sham. I started to walk past her, but she grabbed my arm before I could pass and walk out the door.

I gritted my teeth and spoke through my anger. “I need to go.”

“Jack. Please stop. I need you to listen to me. I know how much you loved your father, and even though you might not believe me, I did too.”

“Well, you’ve got a really funny way of showing it,” I spat out and jerked my thumb toward the door that her latest lover just walked out of.

She released my hand, and I stared back at the sapphire blue eyes that matched mine. “I’m still your mother, and I love you, but the company I choose to keep is none of your business.”

I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. “I can’t even look at you right now.” I stormed past her, slamming the glass door behind me. Once I made it to my car, I rested my head on the steering wheel and played the last thirty minutes of my life in my head.

“I’m so sorry, Dad,” I said, looking up at the sky, hoping he could hear me. It was the first time since his death where I felt overwhelmed with grief. “You didn’t deserve a life like this,” I muttered, feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

I would give anything to see him right now. Just one last time. I jammed the keys into the ignition and sped out of the driveway. I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted to clear my head and not have to process the fact that my father was gone, and that my mother was a self-destructing drunk.

I kept the top down on my Jeep as I drove along the back roads, taking the long way home. I was hoping the fresh air would clear my mind. With every curve and turn along the winding roads, I felt myself slowly unraveling. When I arrived at my cottage, I knew I needed more time to think. I threw on a pair of basketball shorts and a Nike T-shirt. I laced up my running shoes, and like Forest Gump, I ran. I ran so hard and fast that I felt my legs tighten up in painful knots.

The sight of the waves rolling along the shore helped silence the thoughts in my head. I needed this. Living in the city for so long made me appreciate the quiet even more. There were no cab horns honking in the distance, no ambulance or cop sirens blaring past me. The only sounds I heard were the waves as they crashed into the jagged cliff to my left or the occasional dog barking as I passed them by. I looked up to the blazing sun, feeling slightly better than I did a few hours ago.

My phone beeped in the pockets of my mesh running shorts. I pulled it to see a text message from Chloe.

Chloe: Can you stop and pick up some chocolate chips on your way over? I’m out and don’t have time to run to the store.

I laughed as I read it again. Well, that was a first. This woman was simple and so uncomplicated, yet our situation was anything but.

What the hell was I doing?

I wanted to draw lines and set boundaries. Do all the things I told her I wouldn’t do. I swore I would never tie myself down to a woman. Yet, here I was with a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. All because of her. The woman who slipped inside without me realizing it. The one who snuck up on me when I least expected it. Now, I just had to figure out how I was going to keep her.

---