Page 57 of Hard To Love

The air in my lungs felt like it had been sucked out of me, making it hard to breathe. The impact from his words had me blinking back a lone tear.

“I never expected to feel this way. Especially so quickly. Since that first night when I laid eyes on you, I knew you were different. You’ve become a part of me. I can’t lose you over this. I can’t.”

There was a plea in his body as he crushed it against mine, making breathing nearly impossible. Without warning, the thoughts of Megan and the trouble she had brought to our lives came rushing back. I subconsciously backed away from him, needing some distance so I could think clearly. I closed my eyes knowing that I needed to ask the questions I might not like the answers to.

“Where does this Megan thing leave us?”

He appeared to be completely confused by my question. So, I tried to make myself completely clear. “How does this work between us? Am I just supposed to sit around like a dirty little secret while you attend family functions with Megan, a woman who you have slept with, by the way?”

Even though I believed him when he said his heart was mine, the thought of them together made my blood boil. She may have been Colin’s mistress but I was pretty certain she would take advantage of the situation with Chase, if the opportunity existed.

“Don’t do this.”

No matter how hard I tried to rationalize his actions I still fixated on her. I didn’t trust her and I wasn’t comfortable with things continuing the way they were. “I only need to know how we are going to handle things from here on out.”

He worked a hard swallow down his throat and shot me a nervous glance. “We can figure this out together. We just need to be careful for the next couple months. Once the baby is born, I’m done.”

“So, let me get this straight.” I said, with my heart ready to explode in my chest. “You want to sacrifice our relationship, so your brother can continue to destroy his relationship with his wife?” My irritation made my voice surge higher.

“How can you stand there and claim to love me but still want to carry on a fake relationship so your brother can continue to deceive his wife, who also happens to be someone you claim to care about?”

I understood that Elizabeth was under stress and something could go wrong, but Chase did not create this problem, his brother did. For days, I suffered my own heartache, not knowing that my feelings were being sacrificed for this plan. The truth was that the plan protected everyone Chase cared for, except me.

I wanted every bit of him and nothing less. I didn’t doubt his feelings for me, or whether or not he wanted me in his life. It was my guttelling me that he was much too loyal to his brother and he hadn’t thought this plan through completely. Until he figured this out, nothing would change and I refused to be second to anyone in his heart.

He walked towards me with his hands moving to cup my face, “I know this is messed up and isn’t ideal. I’m just asking you to give me some time, please, just give me time.”

“Unbelievable,” I pushed his hands away. “So, I must suffer while you pretend to be someone else’s boyfriend?”

The longer he stood there in silence, the more I realized that I couldn’t do it. If he couldn’t see how fucked up this was and if he was willing to risk our relationship over these other people, then I needed to let him go. I couldn’t stand to look at him with the pain and anger that consumed me. I spun my body around and walked briskly towards the door while he rushed towards me. I placed my hand to his chest, halting him in place.

“I refuse to accept that this is your only option. I will not be someone’s second choice. I deserve better.” I picked my purse up from the counter and threw it over my shoulders.

“I don’t want you to follow me. I don’t want you to contact me until you are ready to give me 100%. I want all of you, Chase, and I won’t share you with anyone.” I said throwing his words back in his face. “I want you to fight for us, for what we have started together. I want…” My shaking voice trailed off, “no I need you, to choose me.”

I could see the panic in his eyes as he shifted them away from me. “I do choose you. Can’t you just give me some fucking time to figure this out?”

My heart broke as I saw a man who was backed into a corner. I shouldn’t have to ask him to choose between his family and me. It killed me to think that he might not choose me. I knew in my heart he loved me; unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. If my leaving wasn’t enough for him to choose me, scratch that, choose us, then nothing would. I wouldn’t play second fiddle in his life. When I loved someone, I loved them completely, with everything I was capable of giving. I didn’t hold back. EVER! Chase didn’t even realize that he was holding back. If I couldn’t have all of him, then what we had would never work. Staying with him would just cause mistrust and resentment and I loved him too much to put either of us through that.

“Goodbye, Chase.” I said, as I quickly walked past him towards the door, and left the one person behind that I loved more than anyone else in the world.

If he loved me he would have stopped me, but he didn’t even try. He didn’t beg me to stay. He stood there in silence like he had given up. He was letting me walk out of his life without a fight. I closed my eyes and prayed that he would try to stop me. I imagined him taking me in his arms and telling me that everything was going to be okay. And that he wouldn’t let Colin or Megan come between us, but he didn’t move a muscle or say a word.

I got nothing. It was like his face was carved in stone.

I stumbled into the hallway, gasping for air while my heart literally ached. The warm air surrounded me as I barreled out onto the noisy street. My heels were clicking loudly as I moved quickly to catch a cab. The raindrops were now falling faster than my tears. I knew who was calling when I tried to silence my ringing cell phone. By accident, the slippery phone slid out of my trembling hands with Chase’s picture displayed on the screen. I reached down to pick up the phone, with my tears blinding my eyes. I sent the call to voicemail.

Somehow, I managed to make it back to my apartment, although I barely remember the trip. I slammed the front door and my knees started to buckle as I began to fall towards the ground. Cassie rushed over just in time to catch me. “What happened?” she asked, then pushed my shoulders back to better see my face. I stared blankly at her while her thumb brushed my wet eyes. It hurt so much, it was unbearable.

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