Page 1 of Hard To Love

Prologue

Three weeks ago…

Sunlight pouredthrough the windows as the car rolled into the thinning traffic, before coming to a stop. I unrolled my window to allow the fresh air to fill the car as we waited for a young family to cross in front of us. It always felt good to escape the city even if it was only for a few hours. My eyes swept around the scenery noticing the green lawns and single-family homes that rested along the tree-lined streets.

I turned my head and found myself focusing on the mom walking in front of the car. She was around my age, which put her in her late twenties. Her long dark hair was blowing in the breeze and her young daughter trailed closely behind her. The dad just smiled while helping the little girl pull their dog across the walkway. A familiar pang hit my chest. That’s what a real family should look like. Not like the one I was born into.

In mine, there were no tender moments, no mom or dad looking at me like I was the most important person in their universe. No, my childhood was filled with loneliness, and the feeling that I would never measure up. I would never know what it felt like to have somebody call me, ‘Daddy’s little girl’, because I had no father. Well technically (of course), I did, he just didn’t want me. And I would never have a mother who looked at me like that, with so much love in her eyes that it would just fill me up and make me feel whole.

Brad’s strong arm reached out and squeezed my leg. “That could be us someday.” He said with a smile in his voice.

I drew in a shaky breath trying to keep the words from entering my brain. Was he serious?

Brad and I had been dating for a little over two years. As much as I tried to ignore the hints that he had been dropping lately, they kept finding a way to seep their way inside my brain.

“I hope you’re talking about the pug.” I laughed, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

A loud chuckle vibrated through the car. “In your dreams. If we ever decide to get a dog it sure as hell won’t be a little mutt.”

“Is that so?” I said playfully. “I didn’t realize we were at that point.”

He grinned. “Oh, trust me sweetheart, we’ll be there soon enough. And, I’m not only referring to that dog, either.”

I sunk in my seat feeling a heaviness in my chest, while I tried to figure out what the hell my problem was. Most women would kill for a man like Brad. That’s what had me so torn. As much as I loved and appreciated him, it always seemed as if there was something missing from our connection. There was this indescribable feeling that continued to tug at my heart. Even though our relationship seemed to be moving in the right direction, I still struggled with this empty feeling that was festering inside of me.

“Hey, are you still with me?” he asked, breaking into my thoughts.

I threw him a smile that I hoped reached my eyes. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess I just drifted off there for a minute.”

He reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. “You’re sure you’re okay? Because it looks like you’ve got something on your mind.”

His voice was so full of love and compassion, and when I looked over at him, his eyes were so bright and they shone with such tenderness, it caused my heart to flood with emotions. From our first kiss to our first date, and to the first time we ever made love, I clung to those moments, and I held onto the memories hoping they would be enough to fill up those empty parts of me. No matter how hard I tried though, they were never enough.

There wasn’t a reason in the world for me to have felt the way that I did. Not one. But I couldn’t lie and say that his comments didn’t cause me to pause, or ignore the flood of negative emotions that unleashed inside of me whenever I thought about a future with him.

I looked away feeling my throat dry up. His concern was eating away at me. “No, I’m fine really. Just a little tired.” I lied, hoping it would buy me some time to get my shit together.

He gave my hand one last squeeze with his before placing it back on the steering wheel. “It shouldn’t be too much longer, but if you want we can stop at a convenience store and get a cup of coffee.”

“Oh crap.” I said when I realized that we had forgotten to sign his sister’s birthday card. Instinctively, I searched the car for a pen and started to open the glove box. Brad quickly glanced over and grabbed my hand in a panic.

“What are you doing?” he snapped.

I whipped my head to the side. “We never signed Lily’s card and I need something to write with.”

“Wait a second, and I’ll pull over at the convenience store and buy a pen, I need to use the restroom, anyway,” he added pensively. I sunk back in my seat and shoved Lily’s birthday card back in my purse and wondered why he had acted so strangely, when all I did was ask about a stupid pen.

After we pulled into the parking lot of the 7-11, I waited until he went into the store and he was out of sight. I had a strange feeling that something was off and I decided to trust my women’s intuition, hoping to find a clue about why he had nearly snapped my head off just a few minutes ago. There was obviously something he didn’t want me to see in the glove box and being the curious female that I was, I decided to take a closer look.

I slowly opened the compartment, and the second I did, my hands flew to my mouth when the tiny little black box came into view.

As I lifted the lid with shaky hands, a beautiful two-carat cut platinum engagement ring glimmered in the sunlight. My eyes slid shut hoping to erase the image that rested in front of me. The feeling of vomit started to work its way up my throat as I struggled to push it down. I turned my head towards the store just in time to see Brad exiting. In a panic, I replaced the top of the jewelry box and stuffed it back into the glove box. I slammed the door shut just as he reached the driver’s side of the car, then slid inside.

He handed me a cup of coffee and a pen.

“Thanks!” I said hoping he didn’t pick up on the waver in my voice.

I set my cup in the holder then ripped the package apart, trying to keep my hands busy. My heart was beating so fast I felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

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