Page 57 of Atone

I’m metwith a flicker of sunlight when I peel my eyes open. The fan rustles my curtain, sweeping it aside to let the morning light through. A beam strikes me in the eyes, so I roll over, stretching my arm out. But I’m met with cold, empty sheets.

Apart from the rustled blankets and lingering hint of cologne, there’s no evidence Alex was here last night, so he must have left a while ago. Turning my nose to the pillow, I inhale his scent to prove to myself it wasn’t all a dream. The deep, lingering warmth of essential oils and citrus fills my nose.

As if he’s trained my body to react to him, my belly swims with his scent. Dull compared to how it smells directly on him but filling my heart, nonetheless. It manages to be deceptively sweet, yet still has an edge, like him.

I hold my breath and play with the memory of smelling it on his skin while he fucked me. Remembering how he surrounded me while I fell asleep in his arms. Only that smell—only Alex—can seem to chase my nightmares away.

That is, if he isn’t the one putting them there.

Last night, when I opened my eyes and saw him standing over me, gripping my throat without so much as a flicker of apology on his face, I saw the truth of who I’d welcomed into my life. His eyes waged a war between desire and fear, and I wondered on which side of it I would land.

Instead of being afraid, I realized it was the answer I’d been seeking. The scent that hangs in the air. The eyes I’ve felt watching me. Last night wasn’t Alex’s first time coming to my room in the middle of the night; it’s just the first time he let me catch him.

We’ve crossed so many lines, there aren’t many that exist anymore. And as he stood over me, he crossed a final one. Forcing me to face the truth and see who he is, just to find out what I’ll do about it. Alex wrapped his fingers around my throat in a dare. Reject him or accept us.

My eyes snapped open, and his fingers tightened with the silent question.

Run or stay?

Fear or embrace?

Maybe I should have been scared. Or, at the very least, screamed. But Alex’s obsession isn’t the only one bleeding out. When I caught him standing over me, every fiber of my being needed him closer.

After Alex fucked me at Sigma House, he barely said two words to me. He walked me out to my car in silence like I was an itch that had been scratched. I drove to the dorm, feeling used and rejected.

I’m used to people keeping me at a distance and treating my body like a means to an end, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Space keeps me safe, especially when it comes to the men I let into my bed.

But with Alex, it felt like more than sex. More than touch or desire.

It waspossession.

So when he swiftly sent me home immediately after, it hurt.

Until there he was, dragging me from my nightmare, forcing me to face something worse than the demons that haunt me when I sleep. It wasn’t rejection in his eyes, it was fear. He’s as terrified of this as I am, and there’s no escape.

It was that single truth, rolling down my cheek in the form of a tear. Alex is going to break me, and I’m going to let him.

What the hell am I doing?

I bunch my fingers on the messy sheets and pull them to my neck. I tuck myself back into the covers and close my eyes, imagining him still here with me. Wondering what it is that made him disappear before the sun rose.

Fire lashes in my nightmares, but what monsters does he battle?

When I finally drag myself from my bed, I stupidly hope to find Alex somewhere else in my dorm room. I don’t, so I pull out my phone and shoot off a text.

Mila

Nice disappearing act.

Teal

Who disappeared?

Shit.

I meant to send that to Alex, but apparently, I sent it to the group chat.

Patience

---