Page 107 of Worth the Trouble

“That was…” He pauses, biting his lower lip. “Unbearable.”

I nod, not sure what else to say. As bad as I think things are for me right now, I realize there are things that could hurt more. The idea of Lili being pregnant with my baby and losing it. I can’t handle the thought.

“Merry tried to pull away after.”

“I remember.” We had to follow Noah to Seattle because he refused to let her go. I thought it was a bit of a punk move at the time, but now I kind of get it.

“We all deal with things in different ways. She was hurting and that was her solution to the problem. But love isn’t about backing off when shit gets hard. It’s about working it out together.”

“Yeah, well it must not be love then because Lili backed the fuck off real quick.” So fast I’ve still got whiplash from it.

“And you didn’t try to stop her,” Noah argues.

“What was I supposed to do, man, tie her down and make her hear me?” Not a terrible idea now that I think about it.

Noah shrugs. “That’s for you two to figure out. But all I can do is remind you of what you told me when shit hit the fan in my life. You need to decide if it’s worth all the fucking pain. And if it is, then you need to decide if this is how you should be dealing with it.”

He waves his hand to the glass wall beside us where a party rages on inside my house. People are trashed. I’m not sure I noticed when I was sitting there earlier. But they’re stumbling and vacant. A couple is fucking on my kitchen table.

Is this what my life has become? Some random couple fucking in the middle of my house? I know at one point it would have been me because I didn’t care where I was or who I was with. I didn’t care about anything more than the exact moment I was in.

But all I can think about now are my moments with Lili and how I felt in them. How when she pushed me away, I swear she cut the beating heart straight from my chest.

I never wanted to love her, and I hate her for making me. But I hate her for ending it more. And I hate myself for letting her.

I’m not a punk. Pain doesn’t scare me. So why am I still acting like that kid who drowns his problems in booze and women the moment they arise? I could be better than this if I let myself.

It’s like Eloise said, sometimes you have to jump in the deep end, and maybe I’m ready.

I face Noah again. “Can I crash at your house tonight?”

“Not even going to kick ‘em out?” He laughs.

“Let them have their fun.” I stand up.

He shakes his head. “Whatever you say, man.”

We walk toward the door, but I stop before opening it. “So why were you the sacrificial lamb coming out here tonight? Did you guys draw straws, and you got the short one?”

“Nope.” He shakes his head. “I offered.”

“Why?”

“Because a year ago you reminded me that we all deserve to be happy. That some things are worth the trouble and the pain. And I owed you for that.”

He claps me on the back and heads inside. I follow him, ignoring the mess of people that are destroying my living room.

I’m not sure what I did to make the band care about me as much as they do, or why they always have my back. Especially when I haven’t done much to deserve them.

Maybe meeting them was destiny, even if I told Lili I don’t believe in that shit. Because even if my father convinced me no one could love me, they took me in.

And right now, I couldn’t be more thankful for them.

36

Lili

“Whatdoyouthinkyou’re doing?” Mom walks into the room, stopping when she sees the burger on my plate.

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