Page 94 of Worth the Trouble

31

Lili

Thetapemeasureispulled tight around my waist, and on instinct, I hold my breath. I wait for the seamstress to release it and scribble a number down in her little notebook like somehow it holds the power to measure my worth.

While I’m with Rome, I want to be free of these chains, but the moment he’s gone, they strangle me. I balance every bit of indulgence with starvation, and I feel myself slipping.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t dieting, it’s a habit that might as well be a part of me, and even if I’m exhausted and want to break free from these patterns, my mind is as trained as my body.

The seamstress releases the tape from my waist, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I watch her scribble down the numbers, and they haven’t changed. If only they could measure how I’m disappearing in other ways.

Every day closer to my performance chips me away. The part that’s falling for the man I’ll never have starts to rot, and I feel the cavity in my chest growing. If I thought my lack of calories would waste me away, it’s nothing compared to holes in myself no one else can see forming.

Rico gasps beside me, and it’s so abrupt my stomach jumps up my throat.

“Thank you.” He hangs up his phone call and slaps his phone down on the dressing room table.

“Good news?”

He turns to face me, grinning wide as he rakes his dark hair out of his face. “Only if you consider a lead in Lemmon Rue’s next production good news.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, he pretends to be nonchalant, but his eyes are glowing. After all, Lemmon Rue productions are the pinnacle of modern dance.

“That’s incredible. I didn’t know you were even considering Paris.”

Rico props himself against the dressing room table and watches the seamstress take my final measurements.

“I’m nevernotconsidering Paris, Lili.” He tips his chin down and looks at me like I’ve lost my mind for suggesting it.

The seamstress steps back, collecting her notebook and tape, and I grab my shirt off the back of a chair. It’s freezing in here, and I wish they cared about the dancers enough to even consider turning up the heat when we do our fittings.

“Well, congratulations. That’s incredible.”

“What about you?” Rico ticks his head to the side. “Where are you headed after this?”

“No idea.” I shrug. “You’d have to ask my mother.”

“Or Vaughn.” He pins me with his stare.

My stomach sinks at the mention of his name. Since the night at the restaurant, Vaughn has been staying extra close. He shows up at rehearsal unprompted and keeps an eye on me.

I have no doubt he’s well aware I’m still seeing Rome, but he hasn’t tried to do anything about it beyond his initial threats. Which is somehow even more unnerving.

Like I’m his, and I’m only offered this choice because he allows it for now.

“Why do you let them control you?” Rico frowns. “Come with me to Paris. I’m sure Lemmon would die to have Lili Chen grace her stage.”

“I can’t.”

Rico’s expression tightens. “They don’t own you.”

“They might as well.”

“Lili.” Rico pushes off the counter and walks over to me. “You’ve been so different here in Denver. I’ve never seen you like this. Free—actually enjoying yourself for once. And don’t even try to lie to me and tell me it’s the show because I know it’s not. It’s because you’re choosing yourself for once and actually living.”

“It doesn’t change anything in the long run.”

“It could.”

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