Page 82 of Worth the Trouble

“I don’t know that I did,” she says, frowning. “I mean, yes, I went through the steps. Therapy, opening up to the band, all that. But it doesn’t erase that it happened. I just learned how to gain strength from it.”

“I thought I had,” I admit. “When he died, I thought I was finally done with him. That what he did didn’t break me so nothing would have the power to.”

“And now you’re questioning that?” Her eyebrows pinch. “Why?”

I rub my palms over my face, raking my nails into the curls on my head. “I fucked her.”

“Lili?”

“Yeah.” I lean back on my hands. “But it wasn’t…”

It wasn’t what?

Just a release, something I’ve done a thousand times, purely physical.

“It was different,” I settle on.

Eloise smiles, but it’s genuine and not teasing. “You like her.”

“I don’t know how I feel about her.”

Eloise sits there, pulling her knees up so she can wrap her arms around them. She rests her chin on the peak and looks at me.

“It’s hard to let people in when you’ve experienced the things you have. I get that,” Eloise says, looking at me. “They don’t have to be the one who hurt you for it to still be difficult to trust them. The fear of pain exists either way, spreading until it infects everything if you let it.”

“You let Adrian in.”

She smiles at the mention of his name, and it makes me happy that’s the reaction he draws out of her. “It took time and healing, something you’re capable of, too. You’re not ruined, Rome. There’s so much good in you—care in you. Look at how you were with me when everything happened. You’ve got a huge heart when you let people see it. Sometimes you just have to be willing to get hurt.”

“Pain doesn’t scare me.”

“That’s physical pain, Rome.” She narrows her eyes. “I’m talking about your heart.”

I shake my head and open my mouth to tell her to fuck off because I don’t care about that organ, but she holds up a hand, stopping me.

“Tell me something,” she says. “Where does it hurt? If you’re being honest with yourself, when you’re with Lili, what’s the pain that stops you?”

Some place in my ribs, that’s where. Not that I say it out loud.

“Exactly.” Eloise looks at me with a smirk like she’s reading my mind. “I’ve known you since you were a dumb teenager getting into trouble with my brother. And whether you want to admit it or not, you aren’t that kid anymore. It’s okay to finally face that you’re growing up. And if Lili is the one who makes you want to do it, then I’m thankful for her.”

Not as thankful as I am, and I’m not even sure for what yet.

“I’m in so fucking deep, El. And it’s no good.” I rub my hands over my arms, but there’s no warmth like what Lili’s touch brings me.

For years I’ve covered myself in ink, drowned myself in booze, surrounded myself with women. All it took was Lili to surpass every other source of pleasure. One touch of Lili’s hands didn’t dull the pain but erased it. And experiencing Lili’s drive and strength makes me wonder what the fuck I’ve been doing wasting my life with anything else.

She’s in my blood.

“The deep end isn’t always a bad thing.” Eloise smiles. “Sometimes it’s the only way through.”

She hops up and holds out her hand, but I climb up without taking it and pull her in for a hug instead.

“Thanks, El,” I say, realizing I’m officially being a pussy talking about my feelings but not giving a shit.

“You know I’m here for you.” Eloise pulls back and holds my arms. “Now let her be here for you, too.”

I nod, swallowing hard as she turns to leave the room. Because I’ve got two weeks left with Lili, and the hourglass is already draining. On one end is heaven and the other is hell, but for the first time in my life, I’m content in the middle.

---