Page 38 of Forever and Ever

“You’ve got this,” he says, and I look through the glass to see him sitting there looking at me. He nods, and it feels like enough to give me some confidence. “I have the beat uploaded, and we’re going to start with the chorus. Once that’s nailed down, we can duplicate it as needed and then focus on variations near the end of the song. That’s probably all we’ll get to today, but we’ll focus on the verses in your next session, so have those ready by then.”

“Will do, boss.” I nod, hoping my nerves aren’t showing on my face.

Adrian adjusts something in front of him, and over his shoulder I see Eloise sitting watching me. The realization makes me feel a little like a caged animal. As if being in the desolate forest outside of Denver isn’t enough to make a girl stir crazy, the tightening in my chest intensifies from their stares.

“Go ahead and put the headphones on.” Adrian points to the headphones dangling from the microphone stand. “The beat will feed through there. You’ll see me doing a countdown, and once you hear it, wait for your mark and then sing.”

“Simple enough,” I say, putting the headphones over my ears and being once more drowned in silence.

Adrian holds up three fingers as he slides a lever in front of him and starts to slowly count down.

Three.

Two.

One.

The beat trickles into my ears, quiet at first, slowly building, just like the song will as it prepares to hit the chorus. I stare at my notebook on the stand in front of me and the words might as well be paint swirling on the page because my head feels suddenly fuzzy. I hear my cue come, and on that mark, I try to forget my nerves and just sing.

Every line comes out exactly as I wrote it. My throat is warm from the tea, and I’m thankful Eloise thought of it. I sing as hard as I can into the microphone and spill myself out, but when the chorus ends and the music fades, I see in Adrian’s face what I already felt.

Stiff.

He taps his ear, and I know to move the headset off my own.

“That was good,” he says, although I kind of think it’s for my benefit. “Take one is always a little rough. We need to warm up your vocal cords and get you in the right mindset. This time, try not to think so much. Just sing.”

I nod and give him a smile I hope isn’t as forced as it feels.

Just sing.

If only it were that easy.

The next take isn’t any better. If anything, it might be worse. I remember feeling this chorus when I wrote it, but right now, everything that comes out feels like it might as well be someone else’s song.

Adrian starts from the top and we go again.

And again.

Eloise is leaning forward now, not falling asleep like she said she might, even if she’s tucked in Adrian’s blanket. She’s listening to every take and absorbing it. Her head nods along, and I can tell when my voice is sharp or flat from reading her expression.

I scribble out a couple of lines in my notebook and rearrange them. It feels a little like a battle alone in this room. But I’m not sure if I’m fighting the lyrics or myself.

The back of my neck is sweaty, and I feel my hair matting to it, so I pull the hair tie off my wrist and wrangle my curls into a ponytail.

We do another take, and although I feel myself warming up, I’m not getting there.

I’m just thankful whatever frustration I’m feeling isn’t being reflected back at me from Adrian’s face. Because I feel like he should be kicking me out of the studio by now, but he doesn’t.

“Merry,” Eloise’s voice is the one that comes through the speaker this time, and I realize she’s standing at the control panel next to Adrian. The expression on her face has morphed into something stern, and I realize this is Eloise Kane, badass bass player for Enemy Muse, giving me the full force of her attention and energy. “You’re in your head.”

“I know.”

“You can do this. The first time is the hardest, try to remember that. You just have to let go.” Eloise nods like it’s the punctuation mark on her sentence. “Remember what I said. Sing from the heart. Show themyou.”

I swallow at the lump in my throat and nod my head as I slip the headset back on and try not to feel the pressure of it closing in.

Me.

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