Page 107 of Heart Break Her

“I need to get out of here.” I look over at Sebastian and see so much in those light brown eyes. Hope for what I wanted him to be. Escape I got lost in. Pain that bleeds us both out.

He nods and stands up, following me as I make my way to the front of the house.

Gravity is heavy as we step outside, like the center of the earth is pulling on us. Or maybe it’s hands beyond the grave, a clawing reminder that there will always be a past we can’t escape. I wonder if Sebastian feels it like I do, the weight holding us down as he closes the front door and we come into focus.

“You’re calm,” Sebastian says.

I look up and realize he’s staring at me. His body has turned sideways on the wall. Even though we’re only a couple feet apart, and that distance would have meant nothing yesterday, right now it feels like miles.

“Defense mechanisms are funny like that,” I say.

“I’m sorry.” He lets out a deep sigh. “That might not mean much, but I am.”

“I know.” I reach for his hand.

I feel the breath that leaves his chest when I grab it, and it mirrors the one escaping my own.

Deep down, I want to stay with him here in Colorado. I want to hold tight and sink into the darkness we’ve been wading through together. I want to trust him with my broken pieces and see if he’s the one who can finally make sense of them.

But for the first time since I saw him in the parking lot, the look in his eyes is eerily familiar. He’s hurting and broken, and as much as I might want to, I know I’m in no shape to put him back together.

If Sebastian wasn’t prepared to face his own guilt, or to work through what happened the night Myth died, I can’t be the one to do it for him. He made that clear by closing me off from it for this long. He needs to process this as much as I do, and neither of us has really started.

“It’s not your fault,” I say, and the words come easily because I truly believe them. Sebastian has been carrying around this guilt for as long as I’ve been carrying around my own for not being able to save Myth. But it’s misplaced blame.

“You weren’t—”

“It’s not your fault,” I repeat, turning toward him and placing my hands on either side of his face. Even though my hands are on his cheeks, I know my palms might as well be cradling his bleeding heart from the way he’s looking at me.

God, he’s gorgeous, and caring, and deeper than the rest of the world realizes. Sebastian is everything I’ve ever wanted, no matter how bad he is for me.

“Myth made his own decisions,” I say. “Not just that night, but for years before it. I tried to get him to slow down, to stop. He never listened. If it wasn’t then, it would have been some other day. But it’s not on you.”

Sebastian closes his eyes, and he tips his forehead down against mine. I feel all his pain washing over me. The intense wave of it spilling out. It hurts almost as much as my own.

“Stay,” Sebastian says. “I’m sorry for keeping this from you, but you can’t leave. I need you here.”

I close my eyes because I can’t look him in the eyes and respond, or my heart will do the talking, and she’s in no place to sway me right now.

“You know I can’t. I need to process all of this.” I shake my head, but my forehead doesn’t leave his. “I ordered an Uber when we were inside, it’ll be here soon. My family needs me right now, and I think I need them too.”

Sebastian exhales and it feels a lot like giving up. Or maybe it’s giving in to the inevitable position we put ourselves in.

“I thought I was past this, but…” I take in a deep breath and hold it, wishing it could bring me life that I’m severely lacking in my bones. “I’m not ready. I need to sort that out. And so do you.”

His hands snake down my sides and wrap around my lower back, pulling me closer. My heart is hammering in my chest as he holds me. I’m not sure if I’m falling apart all over again, but there are pieces shattered all around.

“Was he happy?” I ask, feeling a tear slip down my cheek.

Sebastian opens his eyes, and we stand nose to nose looking at each other.

“He wouldn’t answer my calls those last few days.” More tears begin falling, and even Sebastian’s fingers running over my cheeks aren’t enough to wipe them away. “He shut me out, and then he was gone. And I was here without him. I just—I need to know.”

“Myth was happy.” Sebastian sighs. “The road brought him alive. He loved it. And he loved you, Cassie. Fuck, you were everything to him. And I—”

Pressing my lips to his, I stop whatever he was about to say because I don’t need to hear it. I don’t need Sebastian’s misplaced guilt. I just need the truth so I can sit with it for a while. I need to see if it breaks me for good or if I’m strong enough to move on.

In the distance, I hear tires crunching against gravel, and it makes me break the kiss. I look to see an unfamiliar car pulling up the driveway and know it’s my ride.

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