Page 124 of The Pairing

Ever since they crashed in that first day, I’ve wondered what they felt when they saw me. I didn’t want it to be that, but it’s nice to be reminded that they never hated me. They still thought enough of me to care what I thought of them.

“When I saw you, I thought I was dreaming,” I confess. “I couldn’t possibly get that lucky.”

Theo frowns like they don’t understand.

“Lucky?”

“I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to make things right,” I say. Afraid of giving myself too much credit, I add, “And I don’t know if I have, but—”

“I think so,” Theo cuts me off with a small smile. “I mean, it’s a process, or whatever. But I’m not mad at you anymore. It wasn’t one person’s fault.”

“That’s good,” I say, warmth pooling in my chest. I wish I could dip their fingers inside me and let them feel it. I settle for confessing something else, pouring a little out. “The competition. . .when you suggested it, I said yes because it was an excuse to keep talking to you. That was all I really wanted. Although I did enjoy the sex.”

“I. . .I didn’t understand it when we started, but I think I wanted to prove I was over you,” Theo says. “To you, and to myself. And maybe I wanted to make you jealous.”

“Why?”

“Because of this thing I have where I need to win the breakup, which I’ve realized is meaningless,” Theo admits. “It doesn’t leave room for me to care about you as a person. I don’t want to not care. I want you to be happy.”

I watch the traffic lights change in the reflection of Theo’s eyes and think of Fabrizio’s story.All I ever want is to be happy with you.

“I’m happy right now,” I say.

Theo nods. “I’m happy you’re happy.”

I feel it in the pit of my stomach: Fabrizio is right. I have to say it. Theo should know they have a choice.

I love them. I should tell them. I’ll tell them in Palermo.

“So, should we call it off?” I ask. “The competition?”

“Yeah.” Theo nods. “Cut it loose.”

“Okay.” I make a sweeping, pinching gesture in front of my face like I’m pulling some invisible mask away from it, and cast it off into the air. “Done.”

Theo’s brows draw in realization.

“Was that the thing fromFace/Off?”

I smile. I knew they’d like it. “That was the thing fromFace/Off.”

“God,” they groan, grinning, throwing their head against the headrest. “One of the greats.”

“As we’ve learned, Icaneat a peach for hours.”

“Speaking of, let the record to show that I was in the lead and would have won.”

“It’sdone,Theo.”

“I’m just! Saying!”

The first time I almost tell Theo I love them in Palermo, we’re at Mercato di Ballarò.

“Quanto,” they say, enunciating. “Not quando, that’swhen.Quanto ishow much.”

“Quanto,” I repeat.

Theo nods. “That’s the only word you need.”

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