Page 34 of Burning Souls

Would it be wrong to ask Sean to look up information? I’m not even sure I want to find them. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I were the reason those things happened. I don’t think I would be able to carry on with life.

The guilt would eat at me too quickly.

People will look at me and see a victim, a person who broke down and went crazy. But you know what I see? A little girlwho was robbed of her teenage years that came out stronger and stopped letting people control her.

I took control back.

If I hadn’t gone through what I had, I wouldn’t be sitting in the kitchen with three men who took care of me but never controlled or hurt me. All they did was love me and give me a second chance at life. I will forever be grateful for that.

I lift my head to see the three of them looking at me. Shit, did I say all of that out loud?

“Are you okay?” Sean places his hand on my back. My breathing calms down, and I feel safe now that I’m back in the place I love.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that all out loud,” I apologise to them.

Sean places his beer beside me, taking mine out of my hand.

His hands reach under my legs as he picks me up, taking all my weight with him to the couch in the next room, which has a sweeping view.

It’s a large musky green couch with off-white pillows spread across.

Tobias and Jessie sit at either end, and Sean walks over with me, placing me down in the middle as he sits beside me and Tobias. A fluffy red blanket is laid across me.

“You know we don’t see you as a victim, right?” Tobias says, sitting forward so we are looking at each other. I know they don’t look at me as a victim, which is why I like being around them. Yes, they can be annoying, but that’s our relationship, and I wouldn’t change it for a second.

“What you went through was never your fault. You came back stronger than anyone would. No one would blame you if you wanted to hide from the world.” Jessie's words are so soft I could mistake them for a feather. The weight off my shoulders disappears from the words they pour out.

For so long, I didn't want to leave the house again; I didn’t see the point in life, but I didn’t let that happen. I got up and showed the world he wouldn’t win. I was stronger than he was.

“I know, but sometimes I think I’m using the pain as an excuse, and I should be over it by now.” My voice cracks while trying to speak, but I was taught to get over it and never talk about my feelings. So why do I want to scream so loud? The voices in my head are louder than ever, telling me to speak up, but my father’s voice is even louder, calling me a stupid girl, telling me to relax and take it like I should.

“I stopped saying no after I realised it wouldn't make a difference, and I was wasting my breath. I was taught that saying no made it worse. While I never said yes, it was over quicker if I just let him do what he wanted.” I sob, unable to control myself. All three of them look up at me like they just want to cradle me and sweep me close to them. Something I wouldn't mind. I have never felt so safe with people who are so dangerous but so soft and kind toward me.

This is the first time in years I have told them about what happened. Sure, Jessie was in the place with me, but he was never there when I was getting raped only after. After all, Jessie was my father’s right-hand man. Fuck, he still could be, I could be a prisoner, but I don’t even notice.

Would I try to leave?

No, I have been here for years. If he wanted to ship me back to my father, he would have done it by now. Right?

“Ash, there isn’t a time limit for how long you can grieve. You can for the rest of your life. That’s your choice, no one else’s,” Sean says, rubbing my back. It’s a simple action, but it’s melting my heart.

“One time, I was woken up in the middle of the night by him. he walked in with a shock collar. I didn’t scream. I never said a word. I sat up on the edge of the bed and let him do it. Withinminutes, he left. That's why saying no isn’t always an option if I had I would have been beaten up and raped over and over that night. I saved myself.” As Jessie puts my favorite movie on, I lean into Sean, resting my head and snuggling into the blanket.

Even people like me enjoy a bittersweet movie.

The microwave pings as Tobias opens it, emptying the popcorn into bowls and bringing more beers and snacks.

As much as I love killing, I also love moments like this when I can pretend my life is normal for a moment.

It’s beenfour days since my last kill.

Her bones are still here, and I know just the right thing to do with them. I’m on my own in the house.

I walk outside and through the gate, sliding a pair of yellow rubber gloves on, as I come up to the burnt bonfire where her bones lie.

I spend a few minutes picking up the remains.

After I have everything, I need to walk back to the house and up to my room. My lips turn into a smile when I realise how clean it is here.

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