Page 72 of Crescendo

I just wasn’t prepared to be this conflicted about it. Wasn’t prepared to develop feelings for her like this. Especially not the way it happened when we played together and I wanted to scream and claw my skin off at the thought of saying goodbye to her at the end of this program, of saying goodbye to this magic between us.

So, yes, I was stressed. I was stressed trying to find a million little ways to introduce a sliver of distance between us, trying to keep myself from falling for her, trying to be a friend, a caregiver, instead of someone who desperately wanted to kiss her and hold her.

But that would have been a lot to tell Clara. So I just said, “We’ve been playing a lot of music together.”

“She did mention you’ve taken to accompanying her. You’re giving the poor girl impostor syndrome.”

“Have youheardher play? I should be the one with impostor syndrome.” I stepped closer to her as the halls crowded fuller—classes were getting out for the day, and with the weekend coming up now, everyone was chattering excitedly about their weekend plans, relief on everyone’s faces with thecomposition assignments done. “Seriously,” I said, “it’s a little unfair. I’m out here playing music my whole life and this girl just walks in and upstages me after a week.”

“You sound devastated,” Clara said cheerfully.

“I am,” I responded cheerfully.

“You having dinner with her?” Dodge said. “Clara and I were going to this place in Chelsea for dinner together with Jackson, but he went and walked out on us. I’d invite you, but I’d hate to get between you and your bird.”

Ella was absolutely going to want to get dinner together, and as much as I didn’t want to leave her by herself, I wouldn’t survive a romantic Friday night dinner together with her, whether we went out or ate in. I’d ask Bansi to invite her. He’d have about sixteen thousand stories to tell her and keep her brain busy. “I’d love to join you,” I said. “Always love seeing where the poshies eat.”

Clara rolled her eyes, but Dodge rolled with it, grinning. “Oh, well, don’t you know, love, we’re going to Buckingham Palace, Fridays we dine with the King.”

“We’re not royals,” Clara laughed. “We eat regular meals from regular places.”

So she said, but when we got to the spot, a hipster kind of place—posh hipster, anyway—my eyes boggled a little seeing the menu prices, and that was coming from California. Clara had assured me the meal was on her—owed Dodge one and I was just riding that benefit—but I still felt like I had to stick to an appetizer and a glass of water.

After we’d ordered, Clara folded her hands on the table, leaning towards me with eyes sparkling, and she said, “So then—how’d you avail yourself? First composition in the books. Any progress on that block of yours?”

“Absolutely not a bit.” Which was a little bit of a lie—I couldplaywhenever I played alongside Ella, the music alive andvibrant like it was my first time discovering music all over again, but when I stepped away from that and tried to write anything down, suddenly I was pulling from a dry well. It was the same in the practice sessions I’d had another couple of with Hannah, Dodge actually showing up the most recent time so the three of us could screw around on instruments together—it was fun, and the music was good, and it felt like there was something there, but any inspiration vanished like thin smoke as soon as I stepped away from it and set out to write something serious. “I phoned in the assignment this time.”

Clara rolled her eyes, looking at Dodge. “What do you suppose it sounds like, anyway? What Lydia considersphoning it in.”

“Bit rubbish, probably,” he said. “I’ve heard she’s a washed-up has-been.”

Clara snorted. “Don’t turn into Eliza. One of her is more than enough. I guess you’d actually know, though, wouldn’t you?” she said, before she turned back to me. “What’s this thing you’ve been doing with Hannah and Dodge, anyway? He’s mentioned it but won’t go into too much detail.”

“Ah…” Guess it made sense Dodge had loose lips. He seemed like the kind of guy who didn’t take anything too seriously, secrets included. “Just a bit of practice together. Trying to explore some new kinds of sound.”

“One hell of a crew,” she said. “I can hardly imagine you inviting either of them to a room, let alone both.”

“Hannah’s kind of cool, actually,” I said. “She and Eliza have something weird going on, but Hannah plays well.”

Dodge grinned. “Don’t want to give her too much credit, but I guess she’s not the worst.”

“Hm.” Clara raised an eyebrow, looking between the two of us. “What, then, you starting a rock band?”

“Yes, that’s right,” I said flatly. “I’ve decided to quit being a composer and become a rockstar together with the lackey of the girl who’s harassing me because she has a crush on me, and your dodgy friend. I’m thinking it’ll really take off.”

“Let me know when you’re touring,” Clara said lightly. “I need to show off my backstage VIP privileges. Which of course I get.”

“It’s just a little experimentation. Doing something different helps get my mind out of the rut it’s in.”

“Ella doesn’t join you?” she said, and I hesitated.

“She… she doesn’t.”

Clara raised her eyebrows, a careful smile playing on her features. With everyone being so damn indirect here, I was expecting something so veiled I’d have to spend the next six hours going Sherlock Holmes on the matter to decode it, but she went with the direct route. “I rather like Ella, so if you’re cheating on her with Hannah, I don’t think I’ll be too happy with it.”

“Okay, firstly—” I put a hand up. “There’s no relationship there for me to cheat on. Ella and I are just friends. Secondly, I don’t want to sleep with Hannah. Thirdly, Hannah doesn’t want to sleep with me. She’s hung up on Eliza somehow or other… like I said, I don’t fully get the dynamic, but when I start getting close to the topic, she acts like she wants to pull my skin off.”

Dodge shrugged. “She’s not lying, actually. Hannah’s definitely got something going on with Eliza. Something from back when they were in a band together up in Liverpool, seems like Hannah’s carrying the torch still.”

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