Page 136 of Crescendo

I nodded. “With music, with composing, with living again, and with Lydia. But it was for Callum as much as it was for me, and it was just a… respite. A moment in time.”

“Sod off. You and Lydia… that’s not temporary. And neither is the way you make music.”

“You know relationships aren’t that simple. I have a life here, she has one there. The distance is… difficult.”

“But not impossible. And what, you’re just giving all of this up to go back to a life you don’t even sound like you enjoyed?”

“I love my job. The rest of it… well, I need to figure that out.”

“You’re about to get played in the Royal Albert Hall. You can’t just walk away from that.”

I chewed my lip. “Maybe not. But I’m not really sure what else to do. Losing Callum changed everything. Since then, I’ve tried to keep everything the same, as if that was the only way to hold onto him, and like, if I just kept moving, nothing would ever hurt like that again. Stay a doctor, stay single, refuse to let people in so I didn’t have to lose them. I don’t really know how to do anything but run and hide from it all.”

“Shit.” Hannah blew out a breath. “You in the space to hear something heavy too?”

“Of course.” I turned slightly, giving her my full attention.

“My dad died. It was years ago now and he was old, but, you know, guess that shit never really goes away. Part of why I didn’t wanna risk it with Eliza, I guess. If I lost her, what would I have left? Scared of being alone, you know? Scared of her not wanting me, I suppose. Bit like you are with Lydia. But, thing is, she does want you. You want her. You want the music, too. And it doesn’t go anywhere. Ignoring it doesn’t stop it hurting, doesn’t stop it feeling like you’re losing them.” She shrugged. “Turns out, shit’s gonna change whether you want it to or not. Might as well go after the stuff you want.”

I breathed a laugh. “Like, somehow become both a doctor and a composer? Live both here and in LA? Ask Lydia to… figure it out with me?”

“Why not?” She hung her head. “Look, I’ve got a lot of demons, shit that still needs dealing with, but Eliza and I havebeen talking and… it helps. It’s better. Probably need a therapist to deal with all those… ugh.Abandonment issues.But they wouldn’t have gone away if I’d given up on Eliza or music. I’d just be sad and alone with them.”

“Instead, you’re doing it your way—getting the girl and composing with rock.”

She laughed. “Something like that.”

“Ella!” a voice called from down the street and we both turned to see Sian and Alisha heading our way to join the party.

Hannah smiled and clapped a hand on my back as we both stood up. “All I’m saying is, you made it this far, and you’re a smart woman, Doc. None of it’s going anywhere, so you might as well figure out how to make life a little more… peaceful, enjoyable. Hell, we only get the one, might as well as make it a good one.”

I smiled at her. Maybe she was right? Could I figure out a way to do it all?

I breathed a laugh and fought against the tears that sprung into my eyes. Callum would have loved me trying to do it all. It was so much his style. It was Lydia’s too. Maybe if I managed to figure out a way to make it all work, I really could ask her to be part of it.

I just wasn’t sure how to make it all work, but maybe I could think about looking into it again—just as I’d been planning to before Lydia left. And, maybe then, the idea of going back to my regular life wouldn’t feel like grieving.

I nudged Hannah as we watched Alisha and Sian skip down the pavement towards us. “If you need a recommendation, I know a lot of good therapists, psychologists, grief counselors, the lot.”

She laughed. “Through work, or through being in the grief trenches too?”

I stared at her deadpan. “I meant through work, but Jesus, both, I guess.”

Hannah laughed again as Sian and Alisha made it to the steps we were standing on.

“You did it!” Sian yelled, way too loud for the relatively quiet street.

“We’re so proud of you,” Alisha added as they both swooped in to hug me. “And we can’t wait to hear your piece from a real, live orchestra.”

I let out a strangled breath. That part really hadn’t fully registered yet. An orchestra. Real, live orchestra. Playing my piece. They’d all know it. There would be a conductor leading them through it. And people would sit in the audience and hear it. I couldn’t believe it.

“We’ve both already booked off work for the performance,” Sian said. “So, let’s get inside and get this party going, shall we?”

Hannah snorted. “You think we waited for you two to get it going?”

“Just try not to make out with Bansi this time,” I muttered, enjoying the astounded look Hannah shot me.

“What?” she spluttered.

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