Page 66 of Finally Loved

“History. Experience. The fact that she wants and enjoys sex.”

“One can enjoy something without always needing it.”

“Yeah, but it’s…” Neve threw her hands helplessly into the air. “History.”

“There are lots of successful couples who have differing sex drives. It doesn’t have to be the end of their relationship.”

“The internet thinks it does.”

Olive smiled wryly. “The internet thinks a lot of things, but that doesn’t make them true.” She shook her head. “In fairness, it can make things more complicated sometimes, and it requires work and communication and vulnerability, but so do all successful relationships. And, from what you’ve told me, Alba seems open and communicative.”

Neve nodded. “She is. I’m sure she wouldn’t be too proud or… stubborn? Cruel? I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’m sure she wouldn’t be toothatto discuss it or work through it. But I just know where it’s going to go, and I don’t want to lose her.”

“You fear where it’s going to go, but without having the conversation with her, you can’t be certain. In any relationship, we can’t be certain of the way anything will turn out. All you have power over is yourself and the effort you’re putting in. You have to trust the other person to meet you in that work every day.”

Neve felt herself welling up again. She didn’t think she’d ever felt sure someone was going to meet her in that. She didn’t know how to trust that someone would. She nodded as she leaned forward to take a tissue from the box on the coffee table.

“Alba cares about you, that much is clear from what you’ve told me. But trying to control the situation because you’re worried she can’t handle being in a relationship with someoneasexual is doing both of you a disservice. She deserves a say in what she can and cannot handle, and what she does and does not want. And you deserve the opportunity to see that you can have the type of relationship you want.”

“I just don’t want to cost her things. I don’t want her to have to give up things for me.”

“People compromise and give up things all the time in relationships. It’s up to each individual what is and isn’t worth it. And there are lots of ways to work with the sexual side of things for a couple that includes an asexual partner.”

Neve laughed. “A friend said something similar just the other day.”

“Oh, yes?”

“Robin. From work. She said she’d happily give up sex for the rest of her life, if that was what her girlfriend wanted, because she’d never miss it more than she would the rest of their relationship.”

Olive smiled. “Sounds like you have some wonderful friends. You deserve to ask for love like that. And you deserve to find it with someone who wants that. We can work on seeing it not as something your partner is having to give up for you, or something you’re costing them, but a choice you’re both making for the wellbeing of each other and your relationship.”

“It just feels like it has to be one end of the spectrum or the other, and I should be the one meeting her at her end.”

“Why?”

Neve shrugged. “Because that’s what’s normal.”

“It might be more common, but that doesn’t mean it’s whatshouldhappen. Forcing yourself to have sex is likely far more damaging than someone who wants to, finding ways to satisfy themselves alone while in a relationship with someone who does not want sex.”

“I feel so guilty,” Neve muttered bitterly.

“About what?”

“About all of it. About not wanting sex, about making life hard for partners who do, about being the reason they have to go through a breakup too.” She hesitated, the truth burning inside of her. “About the fact that I wish I could be normal, but, actually, I like who I am. I like being asexual. I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t want to hate this part of myself. Everyone is telling me that I have to, but I don’t. I don’t want to.”

“It’s okay to enjoy being asexual. It’s okay to hold that at the same time you’re struggling to navigate an allosexual world. It’s okay that the way people have treated you impacts the way you feel about yourself. You’re here working on processing that and letting go of the damage caused in those moments.”

Neve was quiet for a moment, a thought aching deep in her heart and her stomach. “I just don’t think I have enough to offer to make it seem worthwhile. People seem to really love sex.”

“Some people do, some don’t. There is no normal when it comes to sex. And you have so many things to offer.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Let’s think about the list of things you wanted in a relationship. Think about each one in turn, and then tell me whether you think most people would want or enjoy that.”

Neve thought for a minute. She supposed they were fairly common things to want, things she heard people talk about wanting, or say they enjoyed. “Yeah, I suppose a lot of people do want those things.”

“And you want them too?”

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