Page 9 of Finally Loved

“Oh, my god. Charlie, I promise, the situation was perfectly safe. Alba was helpful and kind, and she was there when I needed someone.”

“You could have called me, you know?”

The slightly hurt undertone had Neve cringing. The last thing she needed was to offend her best friends. She didn’t need to be more alone in the world than she already felt.

She turned slowly. “I know, sorry. I just… wasn’t thinking straight. Sorry.”

Charlie shrugged. “It’s okay. Just call us next time.”

Next time.Because they all just knew there would be a next time?

Deep down, Neve was certain Charlie didn’t mean it that way. Most relationships failed. That was just life. It wasn’t necessarily a commentary on how Neve could not, and would never be able to, maintain a relationship. But it felt like that.

“Did she give a reason?” Charlie asked, helping herself to a grape from the fruit bowl, totally oblivious to the crisis her words had given Neve.

Neve bought herself some time fussing at the sink. This was another thing she didn’t want to have to say out loud. She’d managed to tell Alba, but she didn’t really want to tell Charlie. Maybe because doing so made it really real. Telling Alba made it real enough that the breakup had happened, but telling Charliewas acknowledging that thing they apparently all knew—nobody was going to want Neve forever.

She busied herself as she set about putting the kettle on and offering Charlie tea. Would it be terrible to tell her? Would it be worse not to? Did it mean something about Neve or their friendship if she didn’t? Were you allowed to keep certain things private in a friendship? Even if you’d already told someone else? Were you allowed to postpone the inevitable pity if you didn’t want it?

Neve went back and forth the entire time the kettle brewed and as she made their drinks, Charlie simply waited for the answer as she sat at the table eating grapes.

When Neve rejoined her, she knew she had to give some answer, and, if Roxanne had given her a lie as a reason, who was to stop Neve trying to make that reason reality? Charlie had asked if Roxanne had given a reason. That was the reason she’d given. Just because Neve sensed the real reason underneath it, didn’t mean that was the thing she had to share with everyone.

“Her family,” Neve said quietly, fearing saying it any louder would give away the lie. “You know how they are. She said it wouldn’t work if we could never tell them we were together.”

“Huh.” Charlie stirred the contents of her mug, watching them pensively, as if she didn’t truly believe the reasoning. Maybe she didn’t, but Neve wasn’t going to think about that. “Maybe she should have figured that out nine months ago.”

“Yeah, but here we are. I guess at least she’ll know for the next relationship.”

Charlie studied Neve for a moment too long, making her itch and want to squirm. Neve fought hard not to give in to the urge. To do so would be tantamount to admitting her lie.

After an uncomfortably long time, Charlie looked away. “Guess so. I still can’t believe she didn’t have the courtesy to break up with you somewhere kinder.”

“Maybe she wanted a neutral space.”

“Understandable, but there’s neutral, and then there’s… whatever that was. Entrapment.”

“That’s not what entrapment means.”

“It should be.” She shook her head. “And you. I can’t believe you got in a stranger’s car. Do that again and I’ll murder you.”

“Isn’t your worry thatthey’regoing to murder me? What difference does it make if you just murder me anyway?”

Charlie gulped her tea. “You’re heartbroken, so I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Neve shook her head. Her question had nothing to do with being heartbroken and everything to do with logic. What difference did it makewhomurdered her ifsomeonewas going to anyway?

And, honestly, the longer she thought about it, the less heartbroken she felt. She was hurt and a little angry, and heartbroken for something, but it wasn’t really Roxanne. It was more heartbroken for the version of herself that got to live a normal life with a normal love, heartbroken for the life she no longer believed she’d get.

But, Roxanne? Maybe things hadn’t been all that wonderful after all. Maybe Alba had been right when they’d sat outside Neve’s building and she’d insisted that even if someone couldn’t be out with their family, they’d still make you feel special and loved, rather than making you feel like a burden.

Maybe Neve wasn’t even all that different. Here she was, talking about her deepest fears and experiences with a stranger, but unable to tell her own best friends. Maybe she didn’t have a place judging what Roxanne would tell to whom. Wasn’t Neve doing that exact same thing? Keeping people at a distance and shutting them out to protect herself? Maybe Neve had been the threat in Roxanne’s life all along. And maybe threats weren’t enough to give up all the things you wanted for.

Maybe they’d always been heading here. Maybe Neve always would be.

Chapter 4

Zainab threw a cushion at Alba’s face, interrupting her reverie. “Hello,” she said, emphasizing and drawing out the word in a way that suggested she’d been trying to get Alba’s attention for several minutes.

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