Page 65 of Finally Loved

“You’ve heard a lot of times that it is your fault.”

“Right. From partners, from society, from the internet. It’s my fault for getting them into that position if I’m not going to follow through.”

“Anyone can revoke consent—or not give it in the first place—for anything they want to, at any time. It is not your job to manage someone’s reaction to that.”

“Easier said than done.”

Olive smiled ruefully. “I know. In practice, so many people have been in situations they were uncomfortable with, so many people’s needs have been ignored, but that doesn’t make it okay. That doesn’t mean you are responsible for it, or that you don’t get to ask for the type of relationship you want.”

Neve groaned and pulled one of the couch cushions closer to her. Maybe if she built a fort around herself, she’d be safe forever.

“Have you thought about dating other asexual people?” Olive asked.

Neve nodded. “I’ve definitely considered it. I just don’t know that many and I’m not interested in the ones I do. Maybe I should have been trying harder to meet others.” She slumped, feeling slightly defeated. “There’s nothing wrong with that idea, and it would probably be wonderful, but, is that the only answer, then? Only date asexual people?”

“Of course not. I wasn’t suggesting that, just wondering whether it might be helpful for you, since you do want a relationship but navigating a relationship with someone allosexual might feel overwhelming right now.”

Neve tensed. “That’s kind of the other part of the problem.”

Olive nodded, urging Neve on, but something about her expression told Neve she already knew where the thought was going.

Neve took a deep breath. “I currently cannot be interested in dating a fellow asexual person because I… like someone else.”

“Someone who isn’t asexual?”

“Correct.”

Why couldn’t it just have been simple? Why couldn’t Neve have purposely set out to find someone asexual? She could see all of the ways it would be amazing. Maybe they wouldn’t be on exactly the same page all of the time, but they’d understand each other so well. Maybe she’d finally start truly appreciating all of the wonderful things about being asexual if she saw them in someone she loved? She’d known them before. Deep down, she thought she might still know and love them now, but she’d been so beaten and broken by her dating experiences that she felt wrong every time she liked being asexual. It was like getting punched every time she thought about it. Until, one day, she didn’t even think it anymore. She just wished to be normal, to be like everyone else.

Everyone else.As if there wasn’t an incredible world of asexuals out there.

She hated the way she’d been so subtly punished and trained by the people she’d dated. And by Charlie. Maybe that was even worse because of the subtlety of it, because it was by someone who wasn’t directly affected by her sexuality. How was she supposed to proudly love her asexuality when even her friends were telling her it was wrong?

How was she ever supposed to feel safe in a relationship with someone who wasn’t asexual if this was where those relationships had gotten her? But, Alba…

“Is it someone who knows that you’re asexual?” Olive asked.

Neve nodded. “It’s Alba.”

So quickly Neve wasn’t sure whether she’d really seen it, something flashed across Olive’s face as if she’d been expecting that. Although, Neve was sure she must have been imagining things. Olive was a professional.

“And is Alba interested in you too?” she asked.

Neve shrugged. She suddenly felt like a teenager, discussing this in the schoolyard with her friends, feeling slightly out of step because she wasn’t totally sure she knew what they meant when they said someone was hot.

“You haven’t had a conversation with her about it?”

“No. I just… can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not supposed to be feeling like this, let alone putting it all on her. She’s been so good to me in all of the stuff with Roxanne, and now Charlie and Alice. We’re friends, and she’s allo, and I just can’t do that to her.”

“You know,” Olive said gently, “we can’t decide what’s best for the people around us, only for ourselves.”

“I know that,” Neve replied, not one hundred percent certain that she did. “But it’s not fair. If I bring it up, I risk ruining our friendship, and, if I bring it up and she wants to be… somethingmore, I don’t know how I’d cope with eventually pushing her away too.”

“What makes you think you’re going to push her away?”

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