Page 51 of Finally Loved

It was easier, somewhat, sitting up above the city with Alba, her cold hand clasped tightly in Alba’s warm one. At least she didn’t feel alone. Alba had insisted she cared. Neve wasn’t sure she was supposed to believe that—everyone always said they cared—but Alba had sounded so sincere. And Neve wanted to believe her, wanted to believe there was something good in her life.

Her chest clenched at the fact that she wasn’t just losing her friends, she was effectively losing her home, too. Sure, they couldn’t kick her out, but staying there together was going to be untenable. She had no interest in running into them and reenacting the argument over and over again. But nor did she have any interest in constantly running into them and pretending everything was okay.

Was she supposed to actually just forgive and move on? Were they all supposed to be fine after everything? Was Charlie going to apologize? Was Neve supposed to let her and just move on?

Most of the other friendships in her life had simply fizzled out. They’d seen each other less and less, time between texts became longer and longer, and, eventually, they just weren’t friends anymore. Nothing explosive, just life. It was both nicer and heartbreaking in its own way. It wasn’t clear either. When did you stop saying you were friends? When did you stop thinking you were friends? When did you delete their number, stop liking all their posts online? When did you stop knowing each other? And how long did you both keep pretending?

When did it all stop hurting?

None of it had been like this. Yet, Neve found she wasn’t equipped to handle this any better either.

Part of her couldn’t even believe that Alba didn’t see her as an incompetent child. Logically, she understood that being made to feel like you were for years would make you believe that about yourself. Just like having a friend—someone you’d trusted with the fragile, vulnerable parts of yourself—turn around and basically state they saw you that way would too. But understanding the logic of the situation didn’t really help. If anything, it just seemed all the more compelling to Neve’s brain that everyone had to see her that way. If all of those closest to her did, if that was the way she always felt, why would anyone else not see her that way?

She stared at the city. Her head hurt, her face felt swollen from the tears, her throat hurt. Every muscle in her body ached and felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

“Do you think you can come back from something like this?” she asked, breaking the quiet between them again.

Alba looked at her. Nothing in the look was patronizing, or even pitying, which Neve would have understood. Perhaps Neve didn’t yet know her well enough to accurately judge, but she looked at Neve the same as always, like nothing had changed. Even through the heavy cloud that filled her soul and her mind, Neve could appreciate that.

“Do I thinkyoucan, or do I think a friendship can?” Alba asked, shuffling slightly closer to her again.

Neve was glad her face was already likely red and blotchy in its tightness because she felt herself flush at the question. Maybe it was constantly asking questions like that that made people baby her. “Both, I guess.”

Alba regarded her softly. “Then, yes, I thinkyoucan come back from this. I know it’s going to hurt, and probably take a chunk out of your confidence, but I believe you’re going to be just fine in the end.”

“And the friendship?”

Alba’s jaw twitched. “I don’t know. I can’t tell you that it will. No matter how much I wish I could, I can’t tell you that Charlie’s going to show up with the world’s best apology and a rationale for her actions. I can’t even imagine what that would look like. And I can’t tell you whether or not to forgive her if she does. It’s hard letting go of a friend.”

“It doesn’t even feel like she really was my friend. I think that’s part of what makes it so hard.”

“I get that. The whole thing was always going to be difficult, but… yeah, she really took it to another place.” She looked down, shaking her head, and Neve could see the way she was trying not to influence Neve’s opinions or experience. It was nice.

“What would you do?”

Alba looked back up, breathing a laugh. “Truthfully?”

“Yes.” Neve had been putting up with feeling inferior or incomplete in her friendship with Charlie for a long time. She understood that Alba didn’t want to control her reactions, but she also understood that she needed an outside opinion. It was hard to think clearly when you were in the middle of the storm.

Alba studied her face for a long time. “Okay. Well, honestly, I’d be done with her, done with the whole friendship. I don’t really know where to put Alice in this whole thing, but she wasn’t exactly helping, so I think I’d let them both go.”

It was a relief to have Alba’s usual energy back. She was trying to help Neve, but there was something so soothing about her just being unapologetically herself.

Neve nodded. “I guess that’s fair.”

“That’s not me saying you should. It’s not my friendship on the line here.”

“I know. I appreciate your honesty. Truly.”

Alba nodded. “I just can’t imagine how you come back from saying all of that. I’d spend the rest of my life knowing that she felt the exact way I’d been worrying she did. It would makeme worry everyone else felt the same way, and that’s just too… unstable a foundation on which to live.”

Neve’s head whipped up and she stared at Alba.

Alba looked back, her eyes widening in confusion. “What did I do?”

“Oh. No. Nothing. I just… I’d just been thinking before this whole thing that our friendship felt like it was built on unstable ground that could fall apart at any second.”

“Ah.” She looked back out over the city, considering. “Yeah, I don’t think I could live with that. Especially now. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t. There are a million reasons someone might need to live in a situation like that for a while, and there’s no shame in that. Sometimes, it’s all you know. Sometimes it’s all you have to get away from something worse.”

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