Page 49 of Finally Loved

“Yeah. You’re not wrong there.” Alba gazed out at the city and ate her own food. She’d never come here with someone else on purpose. Sure, she’d been here when other people were, but this was the first time she’d ever brought anyone. Zainab knew about the place, vaguely, but they’d never come here together. Alba wondered whether she should have felt weirder about bringing Neve here. It was like letting someone into a tiny, private place inside of her, she supposed, but it didn’t feel weird at all. It felt right.

They ate in silence, the space around them filled with the sounds of the evening. Alba’s general approach in both life and around Neve had been to talk a lot, but the silence between them felt perfect. She knew Neve needed it.

It took some time, but, eventually, Neve broke the conversational silence. She glanced at Alba and away again. “Do you like being allo?”

Alba furrowed her brow. “Do I like it?”

“Yeah.” She froze. “Sorry, I assumed you were. I really shouldn’t have.”

Alba smiled softly. “I am.”

It wasn’t something she thought about much, in truth, because, much like everything else that had somehow become the default setting, people tended not to think about it when they fit that category. Now that she actually thought about it, it felt like a fairly huge thing she’d just been taking for granted.

“Yeah,” she finally said. “I don’t mind it. Though, of course, I don’t know what the alternative is like, so it’s hard to say completely.”

“What’s it like?”

Alba looked up at the sky. They were still too close to the city for the stars to be particularly bright, but her eye caught on a couple of them. “It’s… familiar, I suppose. Just how things have always been. Well, probably not always, but you know what I mean.”

Neve nodded. “Is it overwhelming?”

“Not as a general rule. There are moments, or people, or certain situations that can feel more overwhelming than others, but, you know, that’s sort of when you’re in it with someone and you both know where things are heading.”

Neve frowned. “Do you ever feel guilty about it?”

Alba didn’t need to ask to know the question was because Neve often felt guilty about being asexual. She didn’t need to, but multiple people breaking up with you because of it, and your supposed best friend making you feel like nobody would ever love you because of it had to make it feel like something you were supposed to feel guilty over.

Alba was never going to forgive Charlie for the words she’d thrown at Neve. How dare she even think those things let alone say them?

But, for the question, Alba wasn’t sure. Did she ever feel guilty about her sexuality?

Alba hummed as she considered. “I don’t feel guilty for being allo. I sometimes feel a little weird about fancying someone I probably shouldn’t, but I’d say it’s a lot less frustrating being sexually attracted to someone than it is being romantically attracted to someone you shouldn’t. You know, the sexual attraction will pass, but, wanting to actually be with someone completely? That’s bigger, different.”

“You separate the two?”

Alba was surprised at the shock in Neve’s voice. Looking her over in the low light, it was written all over her face too. Either Neve had never felt safe enough to ask anyone else before or she’d only been around people who couldn’t.

Alba shrugged. “I can do. They feel different. They mean different things.”

“They aren’t connected?”

“No, they often are, but…” She trailed off, wondering how on earth to explain it. “I can be physically attracted to someone without knowing them. I can be physically attracted to someone it turns out I have nothing in common with. Even to someone whose personality I end up hating.”

Neve shuddered. “That sounds horrible.”

Alba laughed. “Depending on what they’re like, I suppose it could be. But that’s the thing. It’s physical. You can have an… encounter and then go your separate ways. But, wanting to be with someone? That’s different. More intense, I would say, but also a different kind of intense, because that’s physicalandsomething more—wanting to be around someone all the time, getting to know them, being attracted to who they are and… you know.” Alba paused. “Does it bother you? Talking about sex?”

Neve laughed awkwardly. “I asked the question.”

“I know, but you can ask the question and still want to avoid certain things, certain words…”

“No. It’s okay.”

Alba nodded.

Neve sucked in a breath. “So, when you like someone, you want to be around them and know them, but you also… want to see them naked all the time?”

“Not all the time. You know, logic plays a part in it, a lot of factors play a part in it. You’re always attracted to them, but you don’t need to be having sex all the time.” Alba sighed. She reallydidn’t know how to explain it properly, especially to someone who’d never experienced it. She wished she’d done some more research on the topic. She’d owed it to Neve to do more research on the topic.

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