Page 57 of I Always Will

If they were filled with hate songs dedicated tothe bane of her existence, Hailey doubted she’d have mentioned them.

She ached to call Alexandria, to demand she came back, to insist she bring all of the CDs over for Hailey to listen to, and explain what they meant—what it meant about back then and the last seventeen years and now.

What were they now?

It was like the journals, she supposed. She’d spent seventeen years writing to Alexandria, telling her all the things she needed and wanted to without actually telling her anything at all. Only Alexandria had been doing it through song. She’d been communicating in the exact way Hailey had been trying to for all those years. Could Hailey just let it go now that she knew they existed? If Alexandria was running away from her like this, it seemed she wanted Hailey to forget, but you couldn’t put the cat back in the bag once it was out, could you?

She wondered how she’d feel if Alexandria wanted to see the journals, to read the million letters Hailey had written to her over the years.

Embarrassed, probably, but she had avoided admitting exactly what they were. Alexandria had just said it. She’d thrown the news out there, into the night, and let the chips fall where they may. Was it unreasonable to ask about them in that case? Wasn’t it to be expected? Could either of them really walk away from each other again?

Could they walk away from anything that had connected them over the past seventeen years?

She groaned and set about making breakfast. She needed to get to work. She didn’t have time to worry about what was and was not okay with Alexandria, or about where she’d even gone so early in the morning. Even if that sent a very specific message about not wanting Hailey to ask questions about the CDs.

But then, why even bring them up?

She had to work but she needed to see Alexandria. How likely was that to happen if Alexandria was avoiding her? The last time she’d tried to get away from Hailey she moved away and stayed gone for seventeen years.

Hailey was not about to let that happen again.

???

Saturday had come and gone with no sign of Alexandria and Hailey was furious. Aside from anything else, the wedding was next weekend. They were both going to be at it. Alexandria knew that. Did she really want to navigate all of that and whatever was going on between them at the same time?

Hailey had wondered over and over again whether it was indicative of just how in love with Alexandria she still was that she could be furious about being ignored while still worrying about her and wanting to be around her constantly. She knew Alexandria was going through a lot with her family, but they were going through a lot too—a seventeen-year-old breakup that it seemed neither of them had ever gotten over, and the possibility that they might still have something. If that wasn’t a lot, she didn’t know what was.

And, despite how annoyed she was with the situation, she knew what she wanted and she wanted to stop wasting time pretending they weren’t meant to be together. She wanted them to be back together. She wanted it to be official and real, and she wanted to spend her days getting to know every inch of who Alexandria was today.

She stomped into her Sunday shift a little more annoyed than usual, forcing herself to calm down when Esme looked at her with wide eyes and asked if she was okay. For a moment she considered asking Esme where Alexandria was and simply going to her but that turned out to be unnecessary.

Right as she’d figured out what she wanted to ask, she’d finished up a customer’s order, turned back to Esme, and found Alexandria standing at the till looking painfully scared and embarrassed.

All of Hailey’s frustration melted into something softer, sadder. They hadn’t been apart for the last seventeen years because Alexandria was cruel or played games. It was because she was scared. Hailey had been too. And, for all the things that had changed in almost two decades, that one hadn’t.

Alexandria had been brought up believing she had to be quiet and perfect and constantly put on a show. She wasn’t like that around Hailey and that made things scarier. Every time she let her barriers down and showed who she really was, or revealed something she wanted, her guilt started eating her alive. Seventeen years and all of Hailey’s never-ending love couldn’t have changed that. Alexandria had revealed who she was and what she’d wanted for the last seventeen years. Hailey hadn’t reacted, so she’d run. She’d given Hailey the space Alexandria thought she wanted.

But Hailey had had seventeen years of space. She didn’t want any more.

Hailey swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. For the first time in a long time, she had no idea what she was supposed to say. She was lost in a sea of feelings while knowing she needed to find the words to cross the ocean between them.

Alexandria looked at her, absolutely terrified and absolutely besotted and absolutely broken. It was the same look she’d given Hailey at the park the day she’d come out and told Hailey she liked her. It hadn’t been just like back then. It wasn’t just like now, either.

She walked down the counter, closer to Alexandria, her heart pulsing hard in her chest, like a beacon leading them to each other.

It had always been leading her here.

“Hi,” she got out in a croaky voice before Dan burst through the door, interrupting the moment entirely.

“Al,” he called cheerfully, as if he had no idea what he’d just interrupted.

Hailey supposed he didn’t, but still.

Alexandria jumped, tearing her eyes from Hailey as if doing so physically hurt. “Daniel.”

“Ha,” he said, pointing at her and forcing her to recoil from the gesture. “You didn’t correct me. You’re coming around. Finally.”

“I absolutely am not,” she said, recovering some of her usual composure, even if Hailey could still hear the slight quiver in her voice. “I was just distracted. In case you haven’t noticed, this morning is kind of a big deal.”

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