Page 44 of I Always Will

Her own had not been much better. Of course, she’d given Alexandria one last mixed CD. Joyous, heartbreaking, beautiful music. Music that told their story.

They’d given each other their past and their future. Their past filled with words said and unsaid, but all of it beautiful. Their future… unwritten.

And under it, their marriage contract. Their agreement that they’d marry each other at thirty-five.

Hailey understood now that, if she’d had Alexandria in her life, she’d never have gotten married to anyone else. She’d have been braver than her childhood self. She’d have put a label on their relationship. She’d have asked Alexandria out properly, and she would have been less afraid of what the people around them would say and do. She’d have loved her with every bone in her body and every bit of her soul.

And, if Alexandria hadn’t been there yet, she’d have waited for their thirty-fifth year and she’d have pulled that contract out and told Alexandria it had always been her, it would always be her, and she had never wanted to marry anyone but her.

That dream was gone, but the contract wasn’t. If she kept that contract, maybe there was hope. Maybe one day, Alexandria would find her way back to Hailey. Or Hailey would find her way back to Alexandria.

She couldn’t imagine writing any story that Alexandria wasn’t a part of. She didn’t want to.

She opened the pages of the journal, turned to the first, crisp, clean, untarnished page, and ran her fingers over it. Alexandria had always loved the first page of a new notebook—the promise, the hope, the possibilities. She was so much softer than she had ever been allowed to show. Hailey missed every part of her.

Maybe she couldn’t write a future with Alexandria. Maybe she couldn’t call her or take the train to Scotland. But she could writetoher. She could spend the rest of her days writing letters she’d never send, filling books upon books with all of the things she wanted Alexandria to know. And maybe that would be enough.

Eighteen

Present day

“Tell me why I run a business that needs customers to survive?” Hailey said into the phone, crashing into the pair of armless lounge chairs she had in her office.

When she and Alexandria had been at school, everyone had called this type of seat ‘the comfy chairs.’ As an adult, she wasn’t sure they were all that comfy. She wasn’t above sleeping in them in a pinch, but they weren’t especially comfy.

Alexandria giggled and that was almost enough to write off the exhausting day it had been. “Because you love mash?”

“Eh.” She laughed. “I do but there are a million other things I could have done with mash.”

There was an expectant pause before Alexandria asked cautiously, “Are there?”

Hailey had closed her eyes and was rubbing her forehead. She stopped and looked up at the empty room. She’d said that to Esme a couple of times, and to Farid once or twice. Neither of them had ever pointed out that mash was actually kind of niche. “Unhelpful, Alexandria,” she said.

“I’m guessing it was a rough day?”

Hailey hummed. “I’m just wondering what possessed me. Why did I think it was a good idea to open a fast-food restaurant?”

Alexandria was quiet for a moment. “I’ve kind of been wondering about that myself… Not with the same level of annoyance you seem to have right now, but you know.”

Hailey held her breath for a moment. Of course Alexandria was wondering about that. She’d become a statistician, which had been her goal when Hailey had known her, and Hailey was still left wondering about every step of the way, and about every minute of her working day. Hailey had done something completely random and unexpected. It would be weird if Alexandria didn’t wonder how it had come to be.

Phoning Alexandria again had come ridiculously naturally, even if they had only been doing it for a couple of days. It just felt right to pull out the phone and call her at the end of a long, tiring day.

But it wasn’t that simple. There were still so many things they didn’t know about each other. Still so many things they had to get over or work through together. Their dynamic and the ache to be around her seemed to have picked up like there had never been a gap, but it wasn’t that simple. Not really.

She wished it could be that simple.

She laughed to break her own mood. “You know, now that I think about it, I’m not really sure how we ended up here.”

“Hailey!” Alexandria cried, laughing. “Only you could go into something without a plan and without knowing how you did it, and make it a roaring success.”

She liked it too much when Alexandria said her name. She liked it too much when Alexandria laughed. She liked all of this too much. “I take umbrage with that accusation. I absolutely had a plan. They don’t give you business loans without a plan, you know? A very plan-y plan.”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Yes. I had projected overheads and everything.”

Alexandria laughed. “I apologise. I am sure you had an incredible plan to get yourself up and running. I’m just still not sure how a mash shop is where you landed.”

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