Page 20 of I Always Will

Her phone rang, finally cutting off her fixated staring as Esme and Hailey discussed mashed potato topping options for the wedding. Ordinarily, she’d have appreciated the distraction. As it was, she imagined things were only going to get worse.

“Hello, Daniel,” she said, resignation obvious in her tone.

“Hey,” he said, sounding, as always, like he was laughing. She wasn’t sure where he’d gotten that from, or how he’d managed to develop it when he’d been raised by the same parents she was. Daniel was perpetually relaxed and happy. Alexandria wasn’t sure she knew how to relax when instructed to do so. “How are you doing?”

“Good, thank you.” She paused, her eyes narrowed. “Did you just call to chat?”

He laughed. “Sort of. Mostly to figure out why you haven’t been talking in the group. We’re all having so much fun there. I know you’re seeing the messages. You should totally reply.”

“You want me to weigh in on which mashed potato toppings I think you should have at your wedding?”

“Sure. We’d love to hear your opinions. But I mean on anything. We’ve been talking about all kinds of stuff the last couple of days, getting to know each other, chatting, being friends, you know, fun stuff.”

She sighed. “As you so eloquently pointed out when you were convincing me to be a part of the group, I already know Hailey.”

He laughed again. “You’re so uptight when you’re stressed.”

“I’m not stressed,” she insisted. “I’m just…”Stressed.

“Al, come on. I know you. You’re stressed. Want to tell me why?”

“Alexandria.”

“Sure. So, what’s up?”

She half-collapsed over her breakfast bar. Ideally, she’d get out of her work clothes before crumpling herself up into a ball, but it was what it was. “You can’t remember her?”

He hummed quietly and Alexandria knew he was trying his best to cast his mind back seventeen years or more. “Not really. You know my long-term memory is shit, sorry. I remember you having a friend who was over a lot, but I can’t place Hailey or really anything of consequence. Plus, you know, I was—what? Seven? Eight?”

She heaved a sigh, wondering how much she actually wanted to get into this with him. Even if he couldn’t remember her being friends with Hailey, it wasn’t like he’d forgotten all the details. He never knew them to begin with. She and Hailey always kept things private—their own little world that nobody else entered. Those around them knew they were friends, they were very vocal about the fact that they were best friends, but neither of them had come out to most of the people around them until after school. A couple of their friends had known, and others probably suspected there was more to their friendship, but that was it.

Alexandria’s family had known she was upset at saying goodbye to Hailey when they left sixth form, but they didn’t know the pair had decided to cut contact hard. They didn’t ask about her. They’d been telling Alexandria for years that they’d lose contact when they went to university, so her parents hadn’t been surprised that Alexandria stopped mentioning her, or that they didn’t seem to hang out together during the holidays.

And, for her part, Alexandria had done what she always did with big emotions. She’d bottled them up tight around other people. In moments where she was alone, some of them had escaped, but those feelings, those tears, those emotions were all things she kept to herself. Anything beyond just friendship was something she kept between herself and Hailey.

When they’d agreed to just cut each other off, she’d been too upset, too emotional to even consider what that meant for their contract. It hadn’t come up in their goodbyes. Over the years, she’d thought about it, but she knew it was dead in the water by that point. They couldn’t even talk to each other anymore. They weren’t going to turn thirty-five and suddenly change their lives to go back to living in each other’s pockets.

Except, now, Hailey literally was living in her pocket and Alexandria couldn’t stop the tiny thread in her brain, pulling at her consciousness. They were being forced back together, they were thirty-five, neither appeared to be married… Did it mean something? Was she supposed to tell her brother about it? Was she supposed to get away from it all? Get away from Hailey again?

Whatever it was she was supposed to do, she neededsomethingto tell Daniel. She knew that, even if it was to protect her fragile little heart, her refusal to answer any messages in the group chat the last two days was unconscionably rude. Nothing had been asked of her directly, but the expectation was that you would engage and participate, just as the rest of the group was doing.

She had watched the messages rolling in, knowing she’d have to answer eventually, but she didn’t know how, not when Hailey was there acting as if everything was fine. As if she hadn’t just dragged Alexandria’s carefully constructed heart down with her.

Alexandria knew it wasn’t Hailey’s fault, not really. She was acting like any normal person would in this situation. She was clearly over whatever had happened between them all those years ago. Everything Alexandria was experiencing was on her for not getting over it like she was supposed to. Hell, for all she knew, Hailey could be married after all. She did work in food service, it would make sense if she simply didn’t wear a ring at work.

It would be better if she had a wife. That knowledge of it would crush the tiny, fleeting, foolish hope that was taking root inside Alexandria’s heart at them being brought back together this year.

Maybe she needed that. Maybe she needed to engage just so she could hear Hailey talk about her perfect wife and their perfect life, and then Alexandria could finally put all of this to bed at long last.

She sighed. “I’m sorry, Daniel. I’ll be better in the group. I do want to support you and Esme. She’s really lovely and, while I do think marrying someone you’ve only just met is a little rash, you seem really happy together and I want to be there for you both.”

He hesitated. “I’m glad. You know I’m delighted to have you by my side, but… do you want to tell me what the problem with Hailey is? I might not be able to remember her, but I can tell there’s something going on and I want to help you like you help me. You and me against the world and all that.”

Alexandria smiled sadly. They’d been saying that for years. It was cute when they were younger, but the older they’d gotten, the more Alexandria had realised it was their thing because they didn’t really feel like there was anyone else who had their backs. Their parents loved them, sure, but it wasn’t the kind of support they gave each other. Friends and flings came and went, some were even good and solid, but it still wasn’t the same. Alexandria had, for a time, had Hailey, but then that was gone too.

It was just her and Daniel. But now he had Esme.

And she was still alone.

---