Page 16 of Lucci

There was a weight on my chest that wouldn’t let up. My mother was inconsolable, and my father was just as angry as me. We didn’t understand it. Tyler had beat the odds. He was a good kid, and a drunk driver stole his life faster than anyone could blink. Being a good person didn’t pay off worth a damn, so I was back on my bullshit. I was no longer going to real estate class, and I hadn’t reached out to Breezy about being tutored.

Thoughts of Breezy made me lean forward and grab the bag of coke. I wanted her ass so bad that before I could open the bag containing the narcotic, my dick was hard. That night at the beach it took every ounce of restraint I had not to fuck her rightthere. Staring at the white substance inside the bag, I thought back to the one other time that I’d snorted coke. I was twenty-four and did it right before I robbed Rich. It was a good thing he wasn’t home because the drug made me aggressive. Made me feel damn near invincible. Funny thing was, the anger brewing inside of me from Tyler’s death made me feel the exact same way. I didn’t need anything in my system to be wild, reckless, aggressive, or violent. Taking it would only amplify my already toxic mood. But that didn’t stop me from scooping some out of the bag and shoving it into my nostril.

The burning in my nose made my eyes water. With a sniff, I tied a knot back in the sandwich bag and collected the money off the table. Maino was entertaining one of his female friends, so I was in the den alone which was how I preferred it. The night I invited Breezy to join me on the beach shocked even me because since my dawg died, I wanted to be alone. Kiandra couldn’t grasp the fact that I wasn’t up for a bunch of talking, cuddling, or dealing with her being overly clingy. I knew she only wanted to be there for me, and that was the only thing that had kept me from snapping on her. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going to sleep on Maino’s couch for the night.

Real estate was dead. I’d hit licks until I went to jail or hell. If something happened to me, I knew what it would do to my parents, but I couldn’t bring myself to focus on anything positive. Life was some bullshit, and I was going to be on my best bullshit right with it. Fuck selling a house when I could run up in a nigga’s house with the blicky and take whatever he had that I wanted. Once my money was put away, I rested my head on the back of Maino’s couch. It almost felt like I was floating. Like I was having an out of body experience. Tyler’s smiling face popped into my head, and I clenched my fists. I just wanted to know why.

Being that I’d snorted coke, sleep wasn’t going to find me easily. My best bet for surviving the night would be to drink alcohol until I was comatose. My phone vibrated in my lap, and Kiandra’s name lit up the screen. Tearing my gaze away from the phone, I stared at the sports highlights playing on the television. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her. When I told her I wasn’t coming home, she was sure to feel some type of way, and I didn’t want to hear it. It was rare that I got irritated with Kiandra, but if she kept talking to me about talking about my feelings and expressing my grief in a healthy way, she might get good and cursed out. I appreciated the fact that she wanted me to be okay, but she couldn’t force me to grieve the way she wanted me to.

It seemed that she’d forgotten all about being shot and made it her mission to try and comfort me. I retrieved a bottle of Hennessy that sat at my feet on the floor, and it took everything in me not to hurl the bottle at the wall. The coke hadn’t helped, but I knew it wouldn’t. The cognac would have to mellow me out. Taking a large swig, I didn’t even flinch as the warm liquid eased down my throat. The sting was nothing compared to the aching in my heart. The taste was completely disregarded as I took another sip. Then another.

I sipped until I was seeing double. When I had to take a piss, I could barely stand without wobbling. I made it back to the couch and collapsed before I saw Maino and his companion walk by. He was more than likely walking her to the door. My eyes were burning. Begging for relief. I wouldn’t close my eyes willingly. It had to be by force. Every time I closed my eyes I saw some variation of Tyler’s face. I saw him smiling, or I saw him in that coffin. It didn’t matter which way I saw him, the shit hurt. It hurt real bad. All I wanted was my brother back. I’d give my left leg for his ass to walk through the door and tell me he was alive and well. That was wishful thinking like a muhfucka. I had asked why a thousand times in two weeks, and I hadn’t gotten one answer.

Maino entered the room, and I instantly recognized the pity in his gaze. No one could look me in the eyes without feeling sorry for me. I was fragile, but I’d never admit it. Letting niggas know I was weak would be like feeding myself to the wolves, and it wasn’t going to happen. He sat down on the couch and sparked a blunt. I damn sure didn’t need another substance in my system, but if he passed it to me, I wasn’t going to turn it down.

Maino hit the blunt six or seven times then passed it to me. Three tokes in, and I was higher than a light bill. My heart was beating way too fast, and a blanket of sweat coated my forehead. That didn’t stop me from pulling from the blunt a few more times and curing my cotton mouth with a swallow of liquor. We smoked the entire blunt in silence. Not a word was spoken, and I appreciated everyone that knew how to rock with me during my grieving process. I didn’t have the energy or the desire to tell a person what I needed. They knew or they didn’t.

By the time the blunt was gone, all I could do was lean back and close my eyes. It literally felt like I was outside my body. How people could do numerous drugs together was beyond me. I’d seen niggas smoke a blunt, pop a Perc, and snort coke all in the same night while drinking alcohol. At one point, I wasn’t even sure if I went to sleep, I’d wake back up. And that was fine with me.

When I said Maino was like a brother to me, and I trusted him with my life, I meant that. I had at least one change of clothes at his house, just like he had a few things at mine. Because of that, I was able to wash my ass, put on fresh clothes, and brush my teeth before I went home. Initially, I thought the coke wouldhave me up all night, but exhaustion paired with the weed and alcohol put me out. By the time I woke up, it was noon, and Maino wasn’t home. I had the worst headache. That shit almost made me never want to do another drug. After stopping to get something to eat, I went home. Kiandra was at work, so I had the house to myself. I scarfed down my food and downed an entire bottle of water in pretty much one swallow. After getting another bottle of water from the kitchen, I sat down on the couch with clenched jaw muscles. The anger usually hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. Every single day, I had to relive the fact that my best friend was really gone. Each time was just as painful as the one before it.

I closed my eyes and screamed on the inside. Fuck! There was so much pent up rage inside of me, and I didn’t know what to do with it. After consuming the second bottle of water, I walked into the kitchen to search for some alcohol. There was a half bottle of cognac in the cabinet, and I grabbed it. Maybe a blunt and something to drink would soothe my soul just a bit. I had put the money and the coke away. I didn’t want anymore of that shit. It had my heart beating so fast the night before that my chest started to hurt. Just because I didn’t give a damn about dying didn’t mean I wanted to torture myself. A heart attack didn’t seem like the most pleasant way to meet my maker.

While I smoked and sipped, visions of Rich invaded my mental. I was officially a murderer. If nothing else in life was guaranteed death was. Nine times out of ten it wasn’t pretty nor was it expected. We were never ready. When Kiandra got in from work, the bottle I was drinking from was empty. My lids were low and heavy as I watchedPaid in Full.

“I’m glad to see you’re alive and well,” she stated in a nonconfrontational tone. “I called you at least five times yesterday and twice today. You don’t think I was worried aboutyou? You could have at least texted me and let me know you were okay. I was at work about to go crazy.”

“My bad man.” I continued to watch TV. “I fell asleep at Maino’s house.”

Kiandra stood in the center of the room staring at me. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was lying. Maybe she was trying to find the right words to say. Finally, she spoke.

“Lucci, I can’t be here for you if you don’t let me. I want to help.”

“Can you get my brother for me?” I was serious as a heart attack as I peered at her. Her lips parted but no words came out of her mouth. “If you can’t find a way to bring Tyler back, then there’s nothing you can do to help me.”

“I kn−“

“You know what there is something you can do,” I cut her off. “Can I get some head? That’s what I need. My dick sucked.”

Once again, Kiandra stared at me with parted lips looking like a deer caught in headlights. After a fifteen second stare off, I kissed my teeth. “Fuck it. I don’t ask for much. Hell, I never ask for shit, and a nigga can’t even get any head.” I was beyond agitated and for the first time ever in life, I was agitated by Kiandra’s presence. I wanted what I wanted and at the moment, it wasn’t her.

“If you want to have sex we ca−“

Again, I cut her off. “I didn’t say anything about sex. I said I wanted some head. We’ve been together three years, and you haven’t sucked my dick twenty times. That shit is crazy as hell,” I stood up. I no longer wanted to watch TV. I just wanted to be out of the house.

“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.” Kiandra’s voice cracked, and that further infuriated me. Throwing my hands up in exasperation, I frowned at her.

“Fuck you crying for? ‘Cus a nigga is confused as to why his girl doesn’t suck his dick? You kill me with that green ass whiny shit.” When I was sober and calmer, I would regret taking my anger out on Kiandra. But years of knowing that I didn’t love her, and the rage that Ty’s death caused had me on some other shit. I couldn’t help it, and I had no desire to stop it. It felt kind of good to finally express myself.

“Okay, I’m just going to go start dinner. I don’t understand why you’re being so mean to me. If getting your dick sucked is that important to you, you could have said something.”

“I never met a man that had to tell a female that he liked to receive oral sex.”

“Do I complain that you don’t go down on me?”

“I would! Shit, I have. You lay there like a fuckin’ dead body, so I didn’t think you liked the shit.”

“Like a dead body?” Kiandra was appalled. Drawing back, she looked me up and down like she was seeing me for the first time. “Are you serious? Is this treat Kiandra like dirt day?”

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