Page 132 of The Drummer

My heart stops. I can’t breathe.

We know that chair. It’s a dozen yards away in its office vault.

I go completely numb at the text below it.

Guess I’m talking to a ghost tonight? Fuck you, Luke. I hate you.

“I left her there to die.” His splintered voice cuts through the air, but I can’t look at him. I can’t face the rest of the truth I already know. “She killed herself shortly after she gave up and left.

“No, sorry, wait,” he spits out. “Ikilled her that night. I wassupposed to be there! I should have been in that chair. But I’m not, am I? I’m not there! If I had, if I’d just…”

He implodes before us, and I can’t take it anymore.

Callie must understand when she shifts so I can get up. I move toward him and pull him into me without a word. His arms latch around my back, and his tears burn through my shirt.

“I need you to forgive me. Forgive me for killing her.Please.”

His desperate plea slices into me and tears up any remaining resistance to the truth.

“I do,” I say quietly. “You know I do. Just come back to us, okay?”

His grief releases in a gut-wrenching torrent. I clench my eyes shut, my own demons circling now, screaming at the other villain in the story. The one I didn’t even recognize I blamed until this moment.

My heart has been pumping toxins through my veins as well. Truths I’ve been holding onto because I thought I was protecting him. I thought it would only hurt him more to know the rest, but now I see how badly I messed up.

I wasn’t protecting him. I was protecting myself.

All this time, I insisted it wasn’t his fault, when the truth was I needed a villain just as much as everyone else. I needed a reason, and better that it was Luke than myself.

If he’s going to be brave enough to confront his monster, I need to stand up to mine.

“She called me too that night,” I force out.

I feel his flinch before we let go. I back away, unable to look at him.

“Obviously, I didn’t know what she was planning to do. I thought it was weird that she called just to say she loved me and was proud of me. But I didn’t ask. I didn’t understand until after… until they called and said...” I shake my head, but it won’t clear the memory. “And then…”

“You’re a great musician, but an even better man. I’m so damn proud of you, Casey. Never forget that.”

“Thanks, El. That means a lot.”

“I love you so much. You know that, right?”

“Of course. Love you too. Shit, my ride’s here.”

“Okay, but?—”

“Gotta go. Text you later!”

And I did. I fucking kept my promise. But she never saw the selfie Sweeny and I took at the club. I learned later I sent it one minute and forty-seven seconds too late.

Tears rush my eyes. My throat feels like it’s being crushed.

“I’m the last person she spoke to,” I choke out. “Me!I had a chance to help, and I didn’t. Maybe it’s just as much my fault for not stopping her. For not loving my sister enough to recognize a suicide note when it slaps me in the face.”

“Casey…” Luke reaches for me, but I back away.

I have to finish this. For his sake as much as mine.

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