Page 52 of Calm Before the Score

“I won’t ever be happy when you’re gone,” I answer her truthfully.

“With her, you will.”

“I’ll try.”

That’s the best I can give anyone right now.

I spent the next few weeks after visiting my mom thinking about my life and how I wanted it to look. All I’ve ever known was being a caretaker and football. One of the two is gone, and the other will be one day. How can I continue with my life without the two things that mean the most to me? I need to figure it out. Not for me, but for her. If this is something I can give my mom, I want to try my best to make something of myself.

I’ve received countless emails from my coach and the Springs U athletic director asking for meetings.Ignored.The university has sent me more than one potential class failure email.Ignored.My teammates have blasted my phone with calls and texts to meet up.Ignored.The one person who hasn’t reached out is the only person I care to hear from. I know I’ll have to work on myself first before trying to talk to her again.She doesn’t need this version of me. She deserves better, and I’m determined to make that happen, so I do what I’ve been putting off for weeks. I reach back out to everyone one by one.

I start with Coach and the athletic director because those are strictly business. It’ll be a meeting telling me all the rules I’ve broken and the consequences. I’m prepared for the worst. I pull my phone out of my gray joggers and text Coach, asking for a meeting with him and the athletic director. The response is instant. We have a meeting scheduled an hour from now on campus. My heart races more than expected, but I have to face everyone I’ve burned to move forward with my life. This is the starting point to make amends. I change into khakis and a button-down and drive to the athletic building. Waiting for me are two men with disappointment written all over their faces dressed in Springs U athletics gear.

“Morning,” I say as I take the same seat that I warmed only a few weeks ago. The day I was busted for all of my violations was a serious wake-up call. Now, I have a chance to explain myself and fix things.

“Shane,” they both greet me.

“We’ve sent you more than a dozen texts, emails, and phone calls over the past few weeks, and we haven’t received anything back,” The athletic director levels me with a hard look before continuing, “I was starting to think you dropped from Springs U altogether.”

“I’m sorry about that. I needed time to process the whole situation and determine my next move,” I give them the most honest explanation I can. It’s time to stop hiding and own up to everything I’ve done.

“Not gonna lie, Shane, I’m angry with you. You abandoned the team without so much as an explanation. These are your brothers. They go to war together and fight every week on the field. You owe them more than a disappearing act.” The anger isclear in his voice. He’s right. I haven’t given my teammates the respect they deserve.

“I know, and I plan to explain everything to them, but I would like to start with you two if that’s ok?” They both nod with their arms crossed over their bodies.

I start from the day I found out about my mom’s ALS diagnosis, sparing no detail through the present. I want it all out in the open. I’m exhausted from the secrets and carrying them on my own. It’s time to let other people into my life. They listen without interruption.

“I know it’s a lot, and it’s no excuse for my behavior or what I cost myself and the team in the process, but I wanted you both to see the full picture.”

Coach is the first to speak. “Son, why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped. You know my players come first.” He’s speaking truthfully. He doesn’t have kids, and he always treats us like we are his own.

“This was something I had to handle on my own. I’ve always felt like I’ve been on an island by myself. Asking for help wasn’t an option,” I explain.

“I’m glad you’ve come clean to us. I sincerely appreciate your honesty, but this doesn’t change the NCAA’s decision. I received a formal decision letter in the mail a few days ago.” I know what’s coming, and an eerie sense of calm washes over me.

“They’ve decided to permanently ban you from college football. That’s playing, coaching, and assisting the team in any way, shape, or form.” He slides the tri-folded paper over the wooden desk. I unfold it in my lap and read the words silently, letting them sink in before reaching for a pen.

“I figured. I’m prepared to take the consequences in stride.” I carefully sign the boxes that are required and hand the letter back to the athletic director.

“Thank you both for meeting with me. I’m sorry for this. If I could take it back, I would, but now it’s time for me to move forward.” I shake both their hands and exit the facility. I find a smile creeping onto my face. This shouldn’t be a happy moment, but being fully transparent feels nice.

“Shane, wait!” I hear Coach hollering at me and jogging across the parking lot. I turn and wait for him to approach me.

“Just because football is over for you doesn’t mean I’ve given up on you as a man. You have talent, and it can be channeled in lots of different fields.” He raises one arm to grip my shoulder. “Call me if you ever need anything.”

He pats me on the back and makes his way back to the office.

34

Violet

The weeks since Ryan’s confession weigh heavy on my heart but get lighter with each passing hour. They say time heals all wounds, but time is painfully hard to get through.

Distracting myself with a full class load, homework, and studying has been the best medicine for a broken heart. I still find my mind wandering to the broken man who trampled my heart and left marks forever. I wonder what he's doing and how he is coping with it all. I’ve wanted to call him more times than I can count, but I stop myself before I do.If he wanted to, he would.I keep reminding myself. The last thing I need is my sensible judgment clouded with beautifully broken eyes, his warm arms wrapped around mine, and all the words I want to hear. I’m stronger than that.

Hartley has been doing his best not to bring up football, the team, or Ryan. He’s also reigning in his wild emotions about it all. Liza has spent almost every night at the apartment. I never knew how much I needed her presence before now. Her sunshine, crazy takes on life, and wild plans always take me out of my own mind, which can be a dark place. I’m sitting on mycomfy rug, getting ahead on assignments for the semester, when my blonde bestie busts through the door.Did I mention we gave her a key?

“Alright! The pity party is officially over. We’re going out tonight!” she squeals.

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